I HATE YOU

*part 1* The flashbacks

*Play the song if you want thought it went with it🤷🏽‍♀️*

I remember that day so clearly, from the expression on my face to the way my hands and whole body was rapidly shaking, replaying over and over again like a broken record in my lost messed up mind. I was yelling and screaming at myself trying to make sense of it all. " I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOUUU".

I cried sobbing on the bathroom floor trying to swallow the lump in the back of my throat.
Nuzzling my head in the crook of my arm. Trying to give me some sort of comfort. "Why me, Why do I always do everything wrong?" " Why do I always mess up EvErYTHING FUCKING GOOD IN MYLIFe".

I continued to sob, some muffled profanities slipping from my lips. I realized I only ever seemed to be happy when I was in the dark and alone. Or when I was left alone where no one could see me, when everyone's asleep and it's completely silent where I could finally let my mask fall, or when I was spaced out sitting in a long car ride with my headphones in listening to music.

Where I'm so far from reality. It's like I live in my head. Sometimes I don't mind it because I have control over these Bazar complex fantasies in my head.

So ya, I prefer it over reality. It's my happy place that gives me peace and a sense of control. A type of control I so badly needed to feel. I don't know what I would do without it, I'd probably lose my mind. I already feel helpless and out of control, and like a burden but then when I'm there It's like nothing bad could happen and I'm safe. Everything goes well and I'm genuinely happy.

But my mind is also my worst enemy. A place I'm so deeply petrified of and could never predict what next insane thing it might make me overthink or do.

A prison I would more say that I feel like I'm sometimes held captive in. A place I feel so feeble in. Like I have no control. I just can't get it to stop. How could my mind be such an exquisite, dazzling, and bazaar place yet also be such a very dark and evil place to be?.

Sometimes it gets too much and I can't physically and mentally take it. I hate my mind. Sometimes it could be so loud and disruptive. It dictates my days and reminds me of old wounds and the pain that always stays.

I foster hate in my mind a fraud and an imposter that is anything but kind.

I scream, yell, and cry for it to stop but nothing ever seems to work. Not until I do it.
A couple of months ago it got really bad. It just happened out of nowhere and I was just shaking and so lost in my mind. All these thoughts just came out of nowhere.