I HATE YOU

*part 2*

I was playing with a plastic knife and it broke, It scratched me a bit and it all just happened in a quick flash; I couldn't stop it. I saw the sharp part and the little dent it made in my skin. I couldn't control it, my mind just spiraled out of control and the voice came back. That little but crucial and annoying voice came back that I so badly despised.

Flashbacks of years ago of them yelling at me. " It was all your fault Savannah" "You can't seem to do anything right, GOD you just make everything FUCKING worse". "What is wrong with you seriously". That's all I hear. That voice just repeating and yelling at me over and over again.

And I just can't seem to get it to shut up. My breathing starts to get heavy as tears threaten to spill from the corner of my eyes. As all the memories start to come back, the horrific memories I try so hard to forget and push back.

My hands start to rapidly shake as I start to rock my body back and forth to try and calm myself down. Nothing would work. That one voice started to turn into multiple getting louder. Just screaming at me.

I begged and begged for it to stop while I sob out more tears. They wouldn't stop, not until I did what they said. What I know I need to do.
I kept fighting back and pleading how I didn't need to do it tonight.

But I was too weak and I couldn't fight them. They were too powerful and declared I needed to and how deserved it. I knew I just had to get it over with. I knew they wouldn't stop until I did it.

I promised myself I wouldn't let it get this bad. But I just couldn't push it away anymore, I couldn't fight it anymore. I've lost the battle.

It broke me apart piece by piece.
I wanted to know why I was in this...
This deep dark whole. This never-ending numbness.

Eventually one of these days it'll all make sense.

Don't ever underestimate the power of your thoughts.

I'll wake up and the nightmare is never over yet.

My pillow gives me a place to scream. My blanket wipes my tears. My music feels my pain. And I know all I have left is me, Myself, and I.

Most nights I just lay lifeless almost, thinking only of ways I could silently leave the world. I'm reckless with my life, I walk around like dying isn't the worst thing in the world.
I had traits of mine that should have been valued but not everyone was as empathetic as I was.

My ability to empathize was taken advantage of in many circumstances until now I've grown a thicker skin and no longer sensitive, to avoid being hurt once again.

But it comes at a great cost; nobody can hurt me but nobody can make me happy either.
I dreamed of achieving everything and longed to meet every standard but every day showed me a new one. Only now realizing that there is a lifetime of standards I couldn't meet.

So for now I drink and smoke to not being good enough, and beg my body for forgiveness for the damage I had caused it.

Resulting in darkened under eyes and thinned hair.

I used to talk so fondly of my passions. I'd get so excited and apologize for speaking at all. I don't feel like myself anymore. I was different once.

Now I am a watered-down version of who I once was. I slip through unnoticed cracks I've grown sharp edges unwelcoming of any attempts to get too close.

I don't know how or why or when I became like this. I only remember being bold and unapologetic.

Now, to whom do I owe the biggest apology? Nobody has been crueler than I have been to me.

I mean, All my life I had been worrying about other people, worrying about their well-being. But while I was out saving the world, who was out for me? who was saving me?.

No one, no one was and there was the first step into that reality. No one could save me but myself. I know I had enough in me to save the whole damn world, but still, I had to fix myself before fixing anyone else.

I constantly feed people with affirmation, positivity, and hope, something I so desperately needed. While neglecting my own ability to cope. And why didn't I just practice what I preach?.

I just could never understand.
As they say, As kids we love heros, but as we start to get older we understand villains.

When you walked into the room I felt sick in a way only you could make me feel. You ask for an apology. Not after what you did to me, not after the things you've said to me.

The only way I could forgive you is if my memories were erased. I try to shut you out but you keep coming back and haunting me.

The myriad of scares you left on me will never fade, and I wish just for once you would acknowledge the pain you put me through.

So yes I hate you, I hate you for manipulating and controlling me. But mostly I hate myself for letting you. Always had the upper hand in my life yet here I am. What a waste.

I sat as hours passed by and I couldn't help but feeling like I was turning into the person I swore I wouldn't become.

The memories of the abuse, verbally and physically. After I did "IT" I couldn't stop throwing out apologies. I FUCked UP. I failed you. I failed everyone.

Now standing in the mirror staring at myself I know why.