Why Pigs Can't Fly - Another Stupid Tale

Why Pigs Can't Fly - Unabridged (Part 1)

It is often said, "when pigs fly" if something is to never happen. There was once a time when the event of flying pigs was not so impossible, for pigs were created with wings.

It began in Calydon. A mortal girl by the name of Susanni lived there with her husband and many children. Susanni had formally been a Hunter of Artemis. Although she'd enjoyed her life of hunting and had been skilled at it, she felt she was not properly recognized and began to yearn for a life away from the wilderness. She wanted a life where she was admired and could find love. So, when she saved Kallisto's life, her request for wings and release from servitude was granted.

For many years, Susanni lived in contentment. She loved her family, and she was loved by them as well. It made her happy to be admired by her husband and sometimes by fellow villagers, and for a while, that was enough. One day, however, the compliments ceased to come. Her husband's excessive affection faded, and Susanni once again felt underappreciated. She grew very angry and depressed. Even the rush of soaring through the sky was not enough to lighten her spirits.

That day, Susanni overheard her former mistress, Artemis, and the goddess of love and beauty, Aphrodite, being praised as she passed the temples. This only infuriated her further.

"I am just as beautiful as them," she told herself. "I am just as cunning. I am as good a hunter, no, I am a better hunter, than Artemis! I deserve to be praised! I deserve to be loved! I deserve to be admired!"

So, she did the unspeakable. Susanni rushed into the temples where her fellow Calydonians were worshipping the goddesses, including her husband and children.

"Stop!" She cried. "Do not praise Aphrodite and Artemis for their beauty and skills! I am just as deserving as they! Why not worship me?"

"They are Olympians," a priest said. "You are not."

"But she is right," a man agreed. "She is beautiful, and she is an amazing huntress. I have seen her myself. The grace she holds as she slaughters beasts is admirable."

"And look at those wings!" another exclaimed. "Surely they are a sign that she is a goddess. Surely she is blessed."

Susanni's wings were truly beautiful. They were a rich brown, almost black, and elegantly stretched fifteen feet wide.

"We should worship her," the first man nodded decisively.

"But –" the priest began. "The gods will not be happy! All that you've mentioned are gifts, blessings, from the gods. They do not make her their equal."

"Please," Susanni said dismissively, "they did not give me anything, and I owe them nothing. I am very much Aphrodite and Artemis' equal, and I can prove it if you'd like."

The goddesses in question who had been watching blasphemy unfold, chose that very moment to appear in a flash of golden light. Artemis and Aphrodite did not often see eye to eye, but on this matter they did agree: they would not be sullied on their own sacred ground.

"So, you are as beautiful me," Aphrodite's seductively sweet voice was cold. "You are as deserving as me."

The crowd that had gathered in the temple went silent in an instant.

"Yes," Susanni replied. "Yes, I am."

Artemis took a different approach. Shaking her head sadly, she said, "Oh Susanni. What have you done? Do you not see how far you have fallen?"

Susanni sneered. "What have I done? I saved Kallisto from a giant bear she did not see. I was your most talented hunter and served you faithfully for centuries. Still, you did not notice me; you did not care."

"Oh Susanni," Artemis repeated, still shaking her head regretfully. "I did."

"Stop it!" Susanni snapped. "I do not deserve the neglect I have been shown for years."

"You are right," Aphrodite said as she smiled cruelly. "You deserve to be seen, but not as you wish. You deserve this!"

She thrust a handful of pink powder under her nose. Susanni screamed as she felt her already upturned nose turn up further, into a snout.

"I'm sorry Susanni," Artemis whispered, "but gifts that were given can be taken away."

The pain that tore through Susanni's body as her wings were stripped away was a thousand times worse than the shifting she had felt in her nose.

"No!" Susanni sobbed.

"Like I said, I'm sorry. But you are not worthy of your wings."

"Or your family," Aphrodite added. Susanni screamed as light shot from Aphrodite's finger and towards her family. She watched in horror as her youngest children were transformed into pink monstrosities. Never had she seen a beast like them.

"They're called pigs," declared Aphrodite proudly. "Aren't they cute?"

One of Susanni's children squeaked, and another snorted.

"That is what you will look and sound like–"

"Aphrodite," Artemis interrupted, "I would like to give her a chance."

This statement did not please the goddess of beauty. She wanted retribution immediately, but Artemis was adamant. Although she herself was not pleased with Susanni, she still cared for the girl immensely.

The two immortals briefly conversed, and when they turned back to address Susanni, Aphrodite had a wicked gleam in her eye. "Artemis and I have agreed to give you a chance. We will give you three tests. If you succeed, you may have your wings and family restored. But for now, they will remain as they are, except for your eldest children and husband. Artemis, this is where you step in."

Artemis nodded, and with a decisive flick of her wrist, Susanni's precious wings were torn apart. In another instant, the pieces attached themselves to the rest of her family. Susanni stared as her eldest children and husband sprouted feathers and shrunk. "I've turned them into Double – Crested Cormorants. I think they deserve to feel the freedom you've felt while they are in this form."

One of the newly transformed cormorants grunted. Artemis smiled and explained that the birds and pigs issued similar sounds before shooing them from the temple.

"So that they sound like you," Aphrodite added, "as your voice is what will go next if you are not careful."

"What Aphrodite means to say," Artemis translated, glaring at her fellow Olympian, "is that along with the three tests you will be given, you must also be punished for your lack of respect and arrogance. With every lie and boast you tell, your outward appearance will change more to match your inward appearance. If you do not stop, you will look like a larger and harrier version of a pig."

"No," Susanni all but growled. "I refuse to accept this. I am better than this." She promptly felt a change in her throat, and when she tried to speak again, her voice was raspier. "Why?"

Artemis looked at her with genuine sorrow in her eyes. "You disrespected the gods. I do not like it, but you must be punished. However, this is not your true test, Susanni. Your first test begins tonight at sundown."

"Yes," Aphrodite's lips twisted in a shape not unlike a smile. "Tonight, I will strip you of your beauty. You must endure three years of living as a hag in Calydon. I will bind you to this city."

"And if you manage those three years," Artemis continued, "if you pass the first test, we will allow you to leave and find your cormorant family, for you will need to gather them all if you want your wings back.

"This test is the easiest of the challenges you face. Your next two will be much more difficult." With that, the goddesses began to fade.

"Tell me what the other two tests are!" Susanni demanded desperation evident in her raspy voice.

Artemis and Aphrodite simply smiled and said, "You will know in time," before they disappeared.