Table for One

table for eight

. . .

if only

03.03.2021

. . .

i.

"i hate it. i hate this body. it's too tall and too tan. why can't i look like you?"

she falls onto the couch, wrapping her arms around a pillow, as she looked at them.

"i'm so uncoordinated, too. don't you think i'd be less clumsy if i was shorter?"

they stay silent; pretend that they aren't listening.

ii.

"i feel like a burden. they're all getting irritated with me. do you think i'm too big of a burden?"

she sinks into the sofa, laying her head on their lap. it's become a routine.

"don't i talk too much, too? and get on everyone's nerves? and ruin the fun?"

"i feel like a burden."

their heart breaks.

iii.

this time when she walks in, she's crying. tears running a race down her cheeks, and she stumbles as she walks through the doorway.

"it's all my fault. everything, all of it."

"i'm sorry for everything, i really am."

"i didn't mean it, i don't."

her sobs echo throughout the building.

they feel their own eyes fill up with tears.

but they don't say anything.

iv.

"i don't think i like you. i hate you, i really do."

"you don't listen to me. i come here, because i trust you. because i trust you, but you ignore me."

"you sit there and you ignore me and don't listen and act like you don't care."

"and it hurts."

"i'm not sure if i'm able to do this anymore."

"i trusted you."

"can't you just listen to me?"

and she walked out with the exact same reaction she got every single time.

"whatever. just ignore me."

"i'm over it."

they bite their lip.

v.

and she comes.

every day.

"i don't know why i keep coming here."

it's four in the morning, and her eyes are red.

"actually, maybe i do."

her lips quiver, like she's unsure of what she's about to say.

"i-i think i'm in love with you."

"you give me hope."

"and when i think i can't, that's when i come here."

"and i think, maybe i can."

"but it's okay if you don't feel the same."

she uses her sleeve to wipe the stray tears of her face.

"i just want...can't you respond?"

"can't you say something?"

vi.

she didn't come.

and ironically, they miss her.

vii.

"i just wanted to tell you that i love you."

"i really do."

"and i'm sorry for that."

"for everything, really."

when they don't say anything, she looks heartbroken.

and they are, too.

viii.

"why?"

they don't reply.

"i shouldn't have had hope."

"shouldn't have thought this time would be different."

she leaves, and they hear her cries as she leaves the little building.

ix.

she smiles at them, through tears.

she's always crying now.

"i've been delaying it for far too long."

delaying what, they want to ask.

but they don't.

"i just thought something would change."

"but i guess i got my hopes up for nothing."

"hope for something that would never happen."

"i'll be going now."

"bye."

goodbye, they want to say.

but they don't.

x.

a knock on the door.

their heart shatters, like fragile glass.

what have i done.

i.

they sit at their table.

waiting.

for something they know won't come.

hoping.

for something that goes against all logic.

wishing.

that it was all a dream.

thinking.

of what the outcome could have been.

crying.

if only.

xi.

sometimes we drown.

and other times, we're forced to swim.

xii.

you can't go back in time.