Table for One

table for fourteen

. . .

12 , 13

06.11.2021

. . .

i can't turn 13
i can't
i can't i can't i can't
how am i supposed to become a teenager?
12 was like my comfort age.
it's so scary
so, so terrifying.
and how am i to survive the end of seventh grade
i can't become an eighth grader
i can't
even being older than you
and some other people
already makes me cry and i don't even know why
i want to be the youngest
i want to be liked by people
but most of all
i want to be 12

i want to be 12
forever
i don't want to become a teenager
or get mature
or have responsibilities
or start driving
or get my first job
or fall in love
or apply to college
or graduate high school
or get a degree
or get married
or get a house
or pursue a career
or have kids
or travel the world
or retire
or become a grandma
or die
or watch the people i love die
my mom's grandma passed when she was about eighteen
i'm almost thirteen
that's close to eighteen
i want to have two girls and name them after my grandmas
i want them to hold their great grandchildren
but i don't want it to happen
because i don't want to grow up

i want to be 12
i don't want to loose my current teachers
or not be in the cohort
or lose my friends
or be left alone
again
i don't want to be 13
i want to stay the same
forever

change is scary
the unknown is scary
growing up is scary
everything
is scary
how am i to go to school on monday
a teenager
how am i supposed to be a teenager
i'm shy
and awkward
and scared
of everything
i'm sad
and flinch easily
and there's so much about me
that people don't know

and i'm not a good example for the younger kids
i'm going to be
we're going to be
the seniors of middle school
i can't handle that
i want to talk to people about books
and how they made me feel and what i learned from them
or tell people when i've cried
i want someone that i can do that
with
without them judging me
or making it awkward
and i want to be me
but me at 12
a mature kid
that's what i want to be
a kid

i don't want to carry responsibility
or be a scary eighth grader
or go to high school next year
i don't want to do anything
i want to stay right here
i want tomorrow to be so close
yet so far away
and i never want tomorrow to occur

i want to be 12

twelve