Maiden - by Wilder Grey

Home

I wobbled off of the deck on sore legs not used to land, along with many others who reached the ground with much joy to be home.

Svanhild smiled at me for a moment before taking some woolen blankets to carry to the makeshift wagon, which had been made for the sole purpose of carrying our practicalities and treasures from our voyages.

Ivar passed bunches of dried herbs and bundles of dried meat to me, and awkwardly I took it, careful not to touch his hands at all - and avoiding his eyes.

I didn't want to see what was in those hazel eyes. I didn't want to know that he wanted me to be more than his closest friend. I wanted to continue in the comfort of friendship, no strings attached.

The talk with Svanhild had been too much for me, and now I wasn't sure that I could look at him ever again.

"Go and fetch your brother, Sigrid. He and the other lads can help us unload," my father shouted down at me. Between all of the bustle and rushing of sweaty men and the few women who had been on the ship, I barely heard him.

I looked up and nodded to show that I acknowledged him and I ran into the village to find Snorre.

Our village was made up of at least fifty family clans. There are dirt, stone and timber roads leading to many different long houses. In the middle of it all, there was one extremely large oaken building in the center of where all of our lands meet - the meeting hall where we hold weddings, celebrations and uphold our laws- whether menial land debates, divorce, or bloodshed.

I take one long dirt path towards my family's longhouse, waving to the women working together on some fields of cabbage and wheat, who rushed towards me to hear of what had happened on our journey overseas.

"Heil og sæl (healthy and happy)!!" many of them called out, as they scurried up to see me.

"Heill," I replied, "now first- where is Snorre? He needs to help unload the boat," I said holding up my hand before any of them could ask questions.

"He is with Bjorn. I will fetch them for you, along with the others," one stout woman said after crushing me in a hug.

"Thank you..." I managed to mumble out as she let go.

"How was it? Did you fight or burn anything?" One younger girl asked.

"I did some fighting," I chuckled "we traded a lot on this trip, though."

"I wish my husband would let me fight," she said enviously. "I think he likes to get all of the glory."

"I think it's good that we have strong people here to take care of our home. We appreciate you as much as you appreciate us." I smiled.

Sometimes there could be tension between women on shore and the shield maidens.

She sighed and crossed her arms in annoyance.

"You just don't understand," she grunted and walked towards the banked ship.

I followed slowly, nauseous from the steady ground and still getting my land legs back.

I am not prudish, I would like to get married eventually. I would like to know what it feels like to be embraced by a man, and maybe to finally have the love I've always craved. It's more that I feel that I am incapable of being loved to the capacity I need. I am incapable of receiving the amount of affection I've been starved for my entire life.

It's hard to know how to receive love when you've only been shown how to be distant, emotionally and physically.

I'm afraid of showing and accepting attention.