SCREAM OF RELIEF

i'm falling apart
and that's an understatement.
i'm shattering, melting, crumbling
and drowning in something;
something that's black, immense,
can engulf all of my darkness
and still remain black.
might get darker, not that
somebody alive would ever notice.
i can hear the intense waves,
they're coming, for me.
even when my ears are choked
with sand soaked in blood.

i can feel my heart still beating
not because it's beating,
but for, the back sides of
needles are pricking into it
in the same rhythm it beats with.
i hope the needles' back keep pricking
as, technically, it's the pricking
which is making me feel alive.

can't really feel pricking in the heart,
but the muscles around are bleeding.
my heart's a stone probably,
or it definitely has become one?
but it's bleeding
or maybe it's the muscles around
and my heart really is a stone?
can't care to know this.
i already have much more urgent matters.

another wave strikes me
i'm just half left at this shore now
all i care about right now is
to call for help but how?
my throat is full of blades
or maybe uneven pieces of blades?
whatever! how do i scream?
i've always wanted to scream
at the top of my lungs
but oh my lungs; i don't know
if i still have them in me
forget it; not that i care.

another wave, oh, my hands
i wonder what if someone came
and asked why i wanna be saved,
what would i say?
because i desire to endure more pain?
no no! this better stays with me
or should i say, drown with me?

it's my limitless, passionate, toxic love
which i don't want to be drowned,
but i can't keep it aside with my hands.
if i had my hands, i'd have
kept my love aside as now
ingredients of my heart, if still there,
can be distinguished and picked up.
would have been effortless, for
it's in pieces just like dust, or say, my trust
you can scoop out that damned love cupping your palm and keep it away,
but oh, my hands are gone
and hearts unfortunately can't walk.

actually fortunately
otherwise it too would have left me
running like hell to the end of the earth
even my own heart couldn't handle me
and they say people are to be blamed
if you aren't loved as you desire.
trust me darling i doubt if
i myself would stay with me
that too with this love?
i sincerely doubt it

another wave, oh fuck!
just one more and it's my heart next
i can't afford to watch my love
taken away from me into darkness.
just assume that i still can see even when my eyes haven't stopped
shedding blood since beginning.

i just can't afford to know
my love existed to be
savoured by this darkness
and not by someone else's heart.
i accept it's not very decent death
but to see this end for my love
forgive me it's terribly horrible

sand starts pouring down with blood from my ears
i'm relieved i can hear the waves.
one second of relief and in another i hear the waves coming,
oh no, what to do?
my love, eternal darkness, loud noise of waves, my bleeding eyes, needled heart, aching soul shattering, my very own toxic love, snatched, drowned;
what to do, dammit;
and i- i scream!

the blades tear my throat from inside
drop in the pool of my blood,
slitting my neck artistically,
washed away by waves.
can't describe how i'm feeling,
there's no such relief
great sense of satisfaction
i fulfilled my wish to scream

i wanna die again but this time
i don't want it to be so decent
next time i wanna die terribly
wait, we get to die just once?
no more pain? seriously?
i wanna live again, please?

~Miss V