Missing Her.

Chapter 8.

I shook my head at the thought, then thought over it again. Then I rolled my eyes at myself. Certain restraints were telling my mind to hold back, but others were telling me to try. I didn’t even know which ones to listen to because at this point, I couldn’t figure out if it was my gut or head telling me, or neither. 

Finally sighing, I left it up to chance. 

I walked out the door and headed to class like normal, trying to make sure my mind didn’t go into any gutters again. I was doing better than I was last week. Last week was hell though, when everything just sort of slammed back into me and knocked me off my feet. I can see why Taylor said I seemed different the other day, I can see how bad I let it get. When I had first came here it was that bad, it even stayed like that for the first two months. Then I started to let it go, to forget about it and start over, to let myself make friends. 

As a lame excuse, I hardly ever saw anyone that resembled Her. Sure there were people with black hair, but it was short, or board straight. Sure there were plenty of people with green eyes, but non like hers. 

Not until this semester did I have to worry about that. I didn’t think I would err have to worry about that. I thought that it wouldn’t follow me here, that I would be able to leave it all behind. But boy was I wrong. 

I got a years vacation to let m head mend a little, but then it had to all come slamming back with extra force. 

Before, there were the occasional nightmares to remind me of it, or the occasional conversations that happened which reminded me. But I never took it as hard as I did those last two weeks. I could finally look in the mirror though and see it going away as I pushed everything to the back of my mind, as I pushed all the memories and thoughts that haunted me away, never to be reached again. 

That's how I was coping, and it was starting to work.

As I walked down the hall, I spotted her. I guessed the chances were now up to me, whether I was going to take it or not. I could do it though, right? this would help me get over it, to get to know her so that I don’t always feel I have to avoid her, right? 

As I stepped closer to Cassandra, her eyes snapped over my direction and then her brows furrowed. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t get the chance to. She bowed her head and bit her lip, then slipped away from her friends and left. 

Sighing, I decided if I should go talk to her or not, but judging from the way she looked at me before turning around and “running”, she would not want that.

Since when did I care though? Not that I talk to people a lot, but when I did, I could approach them just fine. Why would she be any different?
A lot of reasons entered my head at that moment and I sighed again in defeat, then fixed my bag on my shoulder and headed to class. I didn’t have this one with anyone I knew, but I was thankful for that. 

As I sat there in the back of class, the teacher was playing a few slides and talking about some book that we were going to be reading for the semester. Personally, I wasn’t really into the lecture at all because I had already read the book, but then something caught my attention when the next slide came up. 

The professor pointed at it with his laser light and then with a serious face, leaned onto his podium and asked.

“What does it mean to be a man?” this question set off a couple light gasps from someone on my row, and my head snapped to them just as they shouted.