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Asma is tired — of what? She doesn't know.
It has been months and months, yet everything feels like a mush of one big never-ending day. She does the same drill — wakes up, goes to class, talks to her friends, goes back home and sits in the same sunny spot from Asr to Maghrib. Her mind takes her to places where she can't hear herself think. It's like letting time slowly wither her from within — but she knows, something is missing.
If there was one thing that never tires her it is her du'as. Three hundred days — and she's still whispering the same thing. There are times when Asma feels like she is standing at the brink of uncertainty. 𝘞𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨? She knows there is still time for her path to cross his — maybe years, even. Or perhaps never, which sounds a little too much to digest for now. But every tahajjud, every prayer follows through with this du'a that consumes all parts of her thinking.
Asma heard that sabr was key, and there is no shortage of it in the fibers that belong to her soul. She is patient, but the problem was it drains so much of her energy. Day after day, she wonders if there is something wrong with her — clinically. She eats things, but doesn't feel satisfied, her mind jumps from this to that, there is an uneasy feeling unraveling in her heart — especially on last afternoons — and her laughs are hollow.
Then she comes across it, like a miracle — there is a grocery store in her little town which changes her days. She is standing in the queue with a few items in her hand. The cashier smiles at the man in front of her. Asma thinks they are friends, exchanging greetings and chatting as the cashier passes the man's items. Then he says, "I've been in a better place, but 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘏𝘦 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘪𝘵."
And it strikes her like lightning on a stormy night — When Halimah - the poorest nurse - took an orphan to care for from Makkah, it is recorded that her husband said: "As thou wilt, it may be that God will bless us in him." The Arabic word used for blessing was 𝘣𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘬𝘢𝘩.
What Asma needs isn't sabr, she has filled her mind with a million seeds of it. But she has forgotten that one shouldn't be quantitating du'as. Instead, she must ask for barakah in whatever she has, for it may save her from Hellfire. All she desperately craves is something so simple yet important.
She holds too many things close to her heart to lose the spark she once possessed, yet in the ups and downs of life, somewhere between hoping, wishing and needing — she had missed out on gaining the most out of every day. When she should be scurrying to accumulate good deeds, she is idling her time away in the name of sabr. And she decides, this is not how she will wait for her du'as to be answered. She will rise above this sadness, she will not let herself be held hostage. Asma adds one word to her du'as: 𝘣𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘬𝘢𝘩 — and everything seems much easier, her tiredness is cured.
