Green [Chaelisa]

forty eight

Waking up early had become a habit for Chaeyoung. Ever since Lisa had come into her life, she was always the first one awake. Like a guard dog, almost. She liked having the first hour or so of quiet to herself.

Today was different, though. And Chaeyoung knew well enough why she woke up with a sinking feeling in her stomach.

Lisa knew, too, because while Chaeyoung was waiting for her coffee to warm up, she heard quiet footsteps enter the kitchen behind her. A small blanket was wrapped around her shoulders, and Lisa leaned over her shoulder to press a soft kiss to her cheek before padding over to get her own breakfast.

"You're up early," Chaeyoung commented, even though she knew why. Lisa was aware of this, too, because the Thai girl simply shrugged her shoulders as she poured herself a glass of orange juice.

"Could not sleep," Lisa offered Chaeyoung a nervous glance while the blonde girl retrieved her mug and cradled it between her hands. "I know you were in the studio last night."

Chaeyoung nodded, confirming Lisa's suspicions. "Couldn't sleep," she laughed weakly, leaning back against the counter and watching as the steam from her coffee drew patterns in the cold morning air. "Looks like we're in the same boat."

"You okay?" Chaeyoung set her mug aside and held out one of her arms, opening the blanket and offering Lisa the space beside her. Her wife simply nodded, yawned, and shuffled across the kitchen to lean against the blonde girl's side.

"It does not get easier," Lisa admitted. Chaeyoung studied her wife, who pushed her tousled hair out of her face and shook her head. "Life... does not get easier. We just get used to it."

"Hey now," Chaeyoung sighed. It'd been a tough few days for them. Lisa especially. First Louis' death and now... well, today.

"We get tougher, Lalisa," her voice softened, and she gained Lisa's attention by using her full name. "That sounds more noble. It doesn't get easier, but we learn how to throw a few punches. Some more than others."

"She is too young," Lisa sighed. She understood Chaeyoung's words, she really did. But sometimes it was so much easier for her to sulk in her worries than to take the blonde girl's advice. "It is not fair. It never is."

"I'd change it if I could, babe," Chaeyoung reached out and gently slid Lisa's glass out of her hands so she could lace their fingers together. "And I know you'd do the same in a heartbeat. But we can't. We can wish as hard as we want, but sometimes things don't turn out the way people think they should."

"I remember what it was like," Lisa simply nodded instead of acknowledging Chaeyoung's words. "Everyone... everyone was waiting for me to cry. But I did not."

"Crying isn't weakness, you know."

"I know," Lisa shook her head. "But... I was thinking a lot. Because I wondered if all those people were crying because they were really sad for them, or... or because they were sad that they lost them. My cousin told me that he was going to miss them, and I remember thinking that he sounded pretty selfish."

"I was mad for a long time, too," the Thai girl paused for a few moments and watched as Chaeyoung took a sip from her mug, nodding for her to continue. "At them. But... but I think I was just mad because I was too scared of being sad. Because then it was real. And I did not want it to be real."

"Funerals are never fun," Chaeyoung agreed, running a hand through her hair. "You said it yourself. It's just a bunch of people gathering around and being sad together."

"I hate it," Lisa shook her head. Chaeyoung just nodded in agreement, wrapping an arm around Lisa's waist and resting her head on her shoulder.

"That's why today's going to be different," Chaeyoung shrugged. "I already asked Presley what she wanted to do to remember them. We decided we're going to plant flowers for by their graves and paint some rocks to place around them. I already got permission from the cemetery and everything."