The sky is over us the darkness inside

The Shadows Inside Me

The darkness slowly pressed on. It was as if I could feel it getting closer, pressing against me. The darkness there was so endless and infinite that it became impossible to see a future. Seeing a way forward, away from this nightmare. I could feel every single small cell in my body and it was as if they were growing, and growing, until they burst like balloons, leaving me empty and punctured. The world spun around, getting closer and closer, as if it could squeeze around me. Take me by the head and squeeze until I was just a lifeless body floating around in the endless universe.
"Are you okay?"
Asked a voice in front of me. In a split second, everything focused on my surroundings, and the light dazzled me, so I had to take a hand in front of my eye.
"Simone ..."
Finally, everything focused on the red-haired confused girl in front of me, with her big ears and little nose.
"What?"
I asked confused, even though I well knew what she was talking about.
"I think you..."
"Oh ..."
She studied my blue eyes, and the blonde long hair that I have always been proud of, thoroughly. I bit my lip and my teeth fell perfectly in the recess I'd made. I watched the sun play fun in her filtered red hair. Then I looked down at the rocks in the ground, and started walking. I was not in the mood to talk right now. I would rather just be back in my black hole, and stay there while looking at a set of sparkling green eyes.
In fact, I was not in the mood for anything. Neither the day's homework, nor my dad's hopeless attempt at a dinner he was clearly not good at making.
I could see a dark cloud in front of me, but I pushed it away. I did not have time to enter the realm of shadows right now, even though there was nothing else I wanted. But the clouds pressed on and it was hard to reject. I allowed one of them access, only to make time disappear until I could hide in the dark again.
"Pasta alla-daddy"
His warm smile was the first thing I saw when, against my will, I let the darkness disappear. My gaze then moved to a spaghetti-like thing, with a green snag all around.
"Are you serius?"
I asked, throwing my school bag on a chair.
"Come on ... we have to eat healthy someti..."
"Yes, but couldn't you at least make it look like something edible?"
I asked, looking him into his blue eyes. I have always appreciated that he didn't have green eyes. It would have hurt too much.
"Listen honey, I'm trying to make our everyday life stick together, but you are not exactly helping ..."
"No, that's not the point either. Aren't you the adult here? Isn't it meant that you should be able to cook food that can at least be eaten? "
I couldn't take it anymore. I went downstairs and slammed the door behind me. I didn't like him. Him and his 'we need to get back to our normal everyday lives'. There's damn nothing that's going to be normally again. I lay down in my bed, after locking the door, and found a dark cloud. I grabbed it, pulled it out and let it grow until everything around me was dark and shady.
A set of green eyes twinkling in the glow of the moon could be seen far out, far too far away for me to ever reach them. They smiled. Even though one could not see the mouth, it was so obvious that they were smiling. And then there was a car sound and a loud bang. And then everything was just dark. No smiling green eyes. No moonlight that could shine up every night. And there was complete silence. Not a single sound escaped through the murmurs I myself have built up.
I stayed in the dark, in the silence a little. It was nice. Here was no stupid father who said that 'everything will be fine again'. Here was no freind looking at me with pity, but in reality thought 'fuck a loser'. Here was just me. Me and no one else. Me and my darkness.
The clouds flew around me and every time I saw one I grabbed it.
"Simone you have to move on. It's been two years now "
Whispered one of the clouds to me.
"You haven't seen anyone in two weeks now honey. Don't you think it's time to get out of your room? "
Said another cloud and I added it to the collection a darkness around me.
"You mom died cause of an accident Simone. You couldn't have done anything"
"It doesn't help to shut yourself in, you have to talk about how you feel"
Stupid adults. Couldn't they just understand that I didn't want to talk about it?
The darkness got darker, if at all possible. I heard a knock on the door. Okay. Now I wanted to go back. Back to my room, out in the dark. I saw myself lying there in bed, staring blankly into the air. But I couldn't come back. I couldn't see the world from my own eyes again. I just stared at myself as I lay there, completely motionless, enveloped in the darkness that only I knew was there. I wanted to go back, but I couldn't. I could only see myself lying there. And stay put. I could see my father kicking the door open with a bang that I couldn't hear. Then I could see him panicking. I could see the recueing people come and move me out a my bed. Then I could only see an empty bed. A dark cloud flew by, logging me into it. I didn't have the strength to fight back, and lay down in the dark, a last time.