I'm Holding My Breath for You

Chapter 3

The only thing with an ounce of color in Chanyeol's closest surroundings is his phone screen.

"Want a cig?" Kyungsoo asks, startling him and almost making him drop his phone on the ground.

Chanyeol shakes his head. "I'll pass." He doesn't know why Kyungsoo would be here.

"Damn, my lighter's dead, I hoped you'd let me use yours," Kyungsoo laughs, his deep voice echoing through the empty street. It's five AM; he shouldn't be here.

Chanyeol fishes out the lighter from his raincoat and hands it to the other man, the rain wetting his sleeve, making the drops of water gather on top of the fabric. He's just finished his shift and is waiting for the night bus to take him home.

The lighter goes through Kyungsoo's hand, it looks grotesque, like he's an art installation warning the younger generations of the effects of smoking.

"I guess it's my turn to ghost you."

"I have a theory... is it possible that you're asleep right now?" Chanyeol proposes.

"Are you?"

"No, definitely not—that's why I'm asking you. To quote, you're the unknown variable ." He smiles.

Kyungsoo looks at him with a stern face. "I don't know... Maybe?" He reaches his hand, tries to touch Chanyeol, but to no avail.

"Because I think you are, and that's why you are actually here, well, some part of you is here," he says, also trying to take Kyungsoo's hand.

"But why?"

Because you miss me , Chanyeol thinks but does say aloud. Because you're lonely just like me. "I don't know." He shrugs. "Look, I'm sorry, my bus is coming. I'm sure if you wake up everything will be alright." He leaves Kyungsoo by the bus stop, ignoring the way his heart aches when he passes by his apartment.

***

For Chanyeol, it's easy to settle into a routine with Kyungsoo. He enjoys the evening walks around the empty park, smoking raspberry cigarettes near the playground. The way Kyungsoo looks at him when he climbs on the top of the slide always makes his heart pound in his chest—he seems so annoyed with him, but there's also a hint of affection there, maybe even something akin to love.

Although, that's probably his wishful thinking. Chanyeol has a history of projecting his feelings onto others.

Chanyeol's willing to make a fool out of himself if it means seeing Kyungsoo smile for a second. He's even willing to keep playing that shitty racing game on his Xbox that Kyungsoo likes to play with him so much because his small bursts of rage make him cackle, and frankly, that's more important than his fragile pride.

In conclusion, Chanyeol has fallen so hard he can't fucking get up and the mere thought that Kyungsoo might not reciprocate his feelings makes his heart ache.

One evening, his fingers automatically dial Kyungsoo's number when he leaves the building, Toben's leash held in his other hand.

"Wanna take a walk?"

Kyungsoo just laughs in response and Chanyeol feels all the rational thoughts leave his head like migrating birds before winter. "I'm already outside. Sure."

"Huh? Were you grocery shopping or something? I can help you with the bags?" Chanyeol starts fidgeting with keys in his pocket.

"No, no, I'm... I went to an interview? And I'm just sitting outside now—near the playground," he says, sounding like he's taking a drag from a cigarette. "I'm also avoiding what I think is a ghost? Or a street preacher? I can't tell if they are dead or not and I don't think I want to find out," he laughs. "I'm not much of a spiritual person."