Hidden love [[kth_jjk]]

||21|| Breakdown

Tae's POV (before the party)

After what happened in the cafeteria today, I couldn't stop thinking about him at all. The guilt is eating me alive.

I always find a way to let him think I hate him, when in reality I want to apologize and be close to him.

For a while I completely ignored that he had already confessed to me. It was just so unrealistic to me, him liking me... but now, remembering everything he did, I seem foolish for not noticing earlier.

Now, after what happened yesterday, it makes sense that he would want to stay away. But I really don't want him to anymore..

Jimin told me he would invite some people over and that I should join. I told him I wasn't sure about it, but that I would come down sometime.

After some hours I hear them talking downstairs. I'm still not sure if interacting with people will help me feel better, but I thought that staying alone with my thoughts might be worse. I decide to walk down and join them. Before entering, I put on a fake smile.

Walking in, I see them all standing in a bundle. Yoongi and Jimin look at me first, followed by two other pairs of eyes I don't recognize.

"Tae, I'm so happy you're joining us too!" Jimin calls out to me.

The last two people turn around and I stop breathing for a moment. Hoseok and of course.. Jungkook.

Why am I even surprised? He's always there when I least expect it. I pull myself together and act as if nothing is wrong. Jimin pulls me closer to them, only Hoseok between me and him.

We soon start eating, talking and playing games and some are even drinking. Jungkook really isn't hiding that he is trying to stay away from me. 

It hurts, but it's my own fault.

Once or twice, we made eye contact. In this situation, it felt nothing but weird. I really want to apologize, but I don't know how.

I leave to go to the bathroom and sort out my thoughts. It is getting harder to act like everything is okay.

Jungkook's POV

Why is he living with Jimin? What is going on with him? I don't understand. 

He really isn't telling me anything and it hurts to know that. He must really not want to talk to me anymore, that's why I want to leave this place so bad. I'm not in the mood for anything, while everyone is getting drunk and having fun.

I see him leave the room. Right then, that guy Yoongi sits down beside me, drunk.

"Jungkook, my guy" he says, putting his arm over my shoulders and getting so close that I can smell the alcohol. "You know Jimin from school, right? Haha, it must be nice seeing him there everyday" he speaks a bit unclear because of the alcohol in his system.

"Yeah, I guess." I answer simply.

"Jimin is so cute. Tae too, but not like Jimin. However, Tae seems like a good guy, he is so pure. I just feel sorry for him.." he says and I start getting interested in his drunk talking.

"What do you mean by that?" I ask. He takes a sip from his drink before talking again.

"I feel sorry, he is such a nice boy and his parents just throw him out like that. And why? Because he's gay? That doesn't make any sense. It really doesn't. But now he's with us. That's good."

Did I hear right? 

He was going through that all this time.. I can't imagine how he must be feeling. I don't care anymore. I don't care what he said to me and I don't care that I promised myself to stay away from now on.

 I need to talk to him. Now.

I get up and leave the room as well. I start walking up the stairs. Looking up, I notice him at the top of the stairs already looking at me. He stays there and I walk up to him.

"We need to talk" I only say, taking his hand and walking into a bedroom.

"You live here?" I ask him right away.

"How do you know?" he asks back. He looks so vulnerable.

"Your friends were drunk talking. But Tae, that isn't all I know." I say, breaking our eye contact.

"What else do you know?" he asks frustrated. I look at him again.

"Your parents.. did they really throw you out?" He turns away, showing me his back.

"Yes, they did. Is that all you want to know? If yes, please leave." he says, but I know deep down he doesn't mean it. He's hurting, a lot.

"Tae, it's okay. You don't need to tell me everything. I just want to be there for you." I say, slowly walking his way.

Once I'm standing right behind him, I can't hold back. My arms make their way around his torso and I close the gap between his back and my chest. He tenses up at first and I consider letting go, but then I hear him cry.

His sobbing gets louder and his breathing faster. I feel pain in my chest. He lets go of all muscles and I try holding him, but we end up sitting on the ground.

His face is now hidden in his palms, his body shaking from crying. I'm sitting there holding him, in pain by his pain. I let him cry and he lets me hold him.

Minutes later, he calms down. I pick him up and put him on the bed. His eyes are already closed, he must be exhausted. After looking at him for a while, I decide to lay down behind him. I just want to be with him.

But I should leave.

Looking at the back of his head, I see his curly hair that I adore so much. My hand reaches out for it and I can't stop myself. I touch it, very lightly. I reach out again, this time stroking his head with my whole palm.

I have never felt like this before. It almost feels... out of this world. So warm and familiar, but at the same time so excitingly extraneous.

I continue stroking his head.

Waking up, I see Taehyung laying beside me.

Oh no, I should have just left.

I slowly get out of the bed and quietly make my way out. Walking into the living room, I see everyone sleeping. I decide it's best to just leave.

Taehyung would feel so uncomfortable knowing we slept in the same bed. I'm lucky I woke up first.

On my way home, I remember what happened. I should have stayed away, but at the same time I can't get over how good it felt to be that close to him...

Maybe I should see this as a goodbye.

No, I can't.

But I have to.