Gignere; Dream Baby

1. Unrequited

"Why can't I get pregnant? Ginawa ko naman na ang lahat. I did what my ob told me to do and still I'm not pregnant. Ano pa bang kulang?"

Tears pooled my eyes and I let it rained down my face. After years of trying, here I am still not pregnant. Minsan naiisip ko hindi ako nabibiyayaan ng kakayahan na magsilang. But then I've been checked by my ob. Sabi naman niya may matris ako parang sila Dada at Dyo hyung. I just don't get why I still can't get pregnant. I've tried having sex with guys whom I was told were all sharp shooters but still they can't get me pregnant. I even tried the sperm insemination but I failed again.

"Soo, bata ka pa naman. Hello, you're 25 years old. Sobrang dami pang chance para mabuntis ka. Tsaka bakit ba kasi atat na atat ka? Yung iba nga dyan mas gustong magkaboyfriend muna bago magkaanak tapos ikaw anak agad? Di man lang asawa, anak talaga agad?"

I stared at Yoona. Hindi niya kasi maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko e. I feel like a failure. All of my siblings have their kids already. Si Dyo oppa may baby Kailene, si Jongsoo oppa naman may baby Donghyun. Kahit si Kyungie na kaka-20 palang ay buntis na. I want a child of my own. When dada and daddy saw their grandkids from the brothers they looked so happy and so proud. I want to see that look again and this time I want them to look at me that way. I want to make them happy and proud. I don't want to be a failure.

"My younger brother Kyungie is pregnant. Imagine, he is only 20 years old. Tapos buntis na. E ako? Eto 25 na pero hindi pa din buntis. Naka-ilang ONS na ba ako? Madami na pero hanggang ngayon hindi pa din ako nabubuntis!"

More tears sprang from my eyes. Sobrang frustrated na talaga ako. Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko para mabuntis ako. Hindi ko na alam kung sinong lalaki pa ang dapat kong makasiping para lang makuha ko yung gusto ko.

Napahawak ako sa buhok ko at napasabunot. I let my tears to fall down my face. I can't help but to scream my frustration.

"Okay, chill ka lang Soo. Don't lose hope."

I lifted my gaze towards Yoona. Nakangiti ito na para bang may naisip na plano. Damn. That smile of hers means trouble. But whatever. I'm desperate to have a child of my own. Kahit na mapa-trouble pa ako dahil sa naiisip na plano ni Yoona ay wala na akong pake. As long as I can get pregnant.

"What's your plan?"

I asked her and smiled at me. Her smile that means I could either give up my dream of having my own kid or do the shit and regret it later. I'll choose the latter. I'm willing to take the risk. This is now or never for me.

"You've never done the deed with Jongshin, right? Why don't you try doing it with him? Kasi alam mo ang sabi nila baby's are God's gift to two people who love each other or two people who are bound to be together."

I stared at her and let her words sunk into my mind. I wanted to say no to her idea but then I promised to do anything to make my dreams come true. Even if it means to lure my bestfriend in my bed. It's now or never. Now or never.

"Soo, bakit tayo nandito? Alam mo naman na ayaw ko sa mga ganitong lugar di ba?"

Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi ko at sinulyapan si Jongshin. Nakakunot ang noo nito at nakanguso. I know he doesn't like places like this. He was never the type of guy who likes to party hard, get drunk, and have sex with random strangers. He's a good man. An innocent at that. And I'm about to taint him.

"Soo? Hey, you look a little pale. Are you okay?"

Lumapit siya sa akin at hinawakan ang mga kamay ko. He squeezed it before looking at me with a frown marring his face. Kahit na napakakapal nung frame ng salamin niya ay gwapo pa din siya. And it makes him look more innocent.

"Yes, I am."

Mahinang tugon ko. Im actually having second thoughts about this plan. I mean, I know I'm desperate and swore to do anything to get what I want but this thing... This thing that I'm about to do. It's different. Jongshin is not just a guy whom I will fuck to get pregnant. He is my bestfriend, the love of my life. Kahit na hindi niya yun alam. Pero still, hindi ako mapalagay sa gagawin kong ito. I know he will resent me if ever he finds out about my plan and I will be devastated if that day comes.

"Tingnan mo yan, Soo. It seems like you aren't feeling well but you still want to party? Ikaw talaga."

He pulled me towards him until I was enveloped in his embrace. I revelled in his scent and warmth. Ipinulupot ko ang mga braso ko sa leeg niya. Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng yakap niya.

"Take me home, Shin. Take me home. I don't want to party. I want to sleep inside your arms. Please."

Hindi ko na napigil ang emosyon ko. Napaiyak na ako dahil sa nararamdaman kong guilt at desperation. I'm thorn between taking the risk to reach my dreams or forgetting everything to protect our friendship. Hindi ko na alam kung anong dapat gawin. I only know that for this night I only want to be in his arms. Nothing else.

"Hindi mo nagawa? Bakit te? Akala ko ba gusto mo ng anak? Eto na yun, gapangin mo si Jongshin para mabuntis ka. Mas may chance kasi na mabuntis ka kung dun ka sa taong mahal mo makikipagsex."

I stared blankly at him. I want to have my own child but not in that way. Hindi ko kaya na gawin iyon kay Jongshin. He's in a relationship with Naeun and I can't ruin that for selfish reasons. Kahit na gusto ko yung idea na magkaanak kami ni Jongshin e ayaw ko naman na sa ganung paraan. If we ever do the deed I want it to be out of love not out of lust or desperation. Pero malabong magkatotoo yun dahil hindi naman ako mahal ni Jongshin. Well, not the same way that I love him anyway.

"Hindi niya ako mahal, Yoona. He has girlfriend which he loves so much, remember?"

Yoona rolled her eyes. I know what her response would be. Sasabihin niya na mahal din ako ni Jongshin at torpe lang ito kaya hindi maamin sa akin. I hope it's true but it's not. Jongshin doesn't love me, in the romantic way, that is. He loves me like how he loves his brother. Brotherly love lang yung nararamdaman niya para sa akin at tanggap ko na yun. It's a case of one-sided love for me. Kaya nga yung pagkakaroon na lang mang anak yung pinupush ko dahil iniisip ko na mas may chance ako dun pero parang wala rin naman pala.

"Hay, whatever, bakla! Basta yun na yung last resort mo. Seduce him to your bed. Siya na lang ang natitirang pag-asa niyang matris mo para magkalaman."

I sighed heavily. It looks like she's right. I think Jongshin is my last chance. Pero paano ko yun gagawin? How can I lure him to my bed without him knowing that I am seducing him?

Tell me how?