Renga Oneshots [Reki x Langa]

Now, there's nothing left

Langa knew he was never the best at talking about his feelings.

Ever since his dad died (the parental figure he had spoken to about his feelings the most) he felt like he had been pulled down into a hole he would never be able to get out of.

Even his own mother, Nanako, was someone he didn't feel comfortable talking to. He loved her to death, of course, but it was so difficult for him to speak to her the same way he would speak to his dad.

After the move to Okinawa, he was even worse. The apartment he and his mum had moved to was so plain- even though Nanako had tried her best to decorate it with a few things they had bought back from Canada. It was cold and lonely, and Langa spent the majority of his evenings cooped up in his room, blasting his old playlists through his headphones- hoping that somehow, everything was a dream and that he'll wake up back in Canada with his dad waiting for him by the front door.

Except that never happened. No matter how many times he had wished and prayed.

His dad was gone, he wasn't going back to Canada anytime soon, he was alone.

That was all before he met the literal incarnation of the sun, Reki.

But here he was- just like he had done in the past- alone, cooped up in his room listening to music through his headphones. Though this time it was the playlist Reki had made him when Langa had first mentioned wanting to get into more Japanese music artists, when they had sat together for hours, getting sidetracked by so many different things.

Langa was going to lose all of that if he didn't make up with Reki.

He'd often have days where he'd feel down- reminiscing on the past, where he would smile every day and enjoy the life he had. It came in waves, usually, but he hasn't had a day like this since forever.

Reki had done such a good job at keeping him distracted from his thoughts, that now he's gone the thoughts come back double time. Plaguing his mind like a disease, and worsening the more time he'd spend replaying memories from the past.

He pulled himself further under the duvets, lifting them over his head and flooding his view with darkness. He was hot and sweaty, still wearing the school uniform that he hadn't changed out of for three days, and his clothes stuck to his back- he was uncomfortable, but something in the back of his head told him that he deserved to be uncomfortable.

There were people who had it worse than him, and he doesn't deserve to make himself feel better.

People like Reki had it worse, people that put themselves down and don't believe in themselves, who struggle constantly with self-doubt and thoughts of insecurity. Langa's selfish, confident- he doesn't deserve to feel relief in a situation like this, whilst his friend is hurting so badly on the inside.

And what's Langa doing about it? Nothing.

He's shut himself off from the outside world instead.

He's neglected his own mother, locking his door so she couldn't come in, the only time he left his room was to use the toilet. He didn't have it within himself to shower, either, he was just too tired.

He thought of Reki a lot, too. About how Reki must feel like this tenfold but kept it all inside his head.

Reki was strong and brave. He was everything Langa wasn't, but Reki didn't see that. Langa often wonders if Reki likes himself at all, if there's something- anything- Reki wasn't insecure about.

Langa also wonders if it's his fault Reki has self-worth issues.

Langa hardly ever compliments him, even though everything he does is so amazing. Langa has never been good with words, with giving or receiving compliments. He simply enjoyed listening- and Reki was always so talkative, and they just fit together like puzzle pieces.

Langa was incomplete without Reki by his side, without them doing all these things together.

Reki had told him they weren't a good match anymore- but Langa holds onto that hope of 'if we were a good match once, we can be a good match again'.

Langa adores Reki, adores everything about him.

The song he was listening to changed, pulling him briefly from his thoughts, switching to one of the Japanese songs Reki had put on there. 

Of course, even Reki's music taste was perfect- it suited him, too, and everything in Langa warmed when he thought about his red-headed counterpart.

If only Reki knew how amazing he was, how much Langa looked up to and cherished him.

But instead of reaching the short distance across his mattress to pick up his phone, a small effort to send him a text, he sunk further into himself.

Hot, wet tears spilt over his cheeks as he let out all the emotions that'd been bubbling up from his core. He felt so utterly vulnerable and broken at that moment, the tears weren't enough.

His throat tore as he let himself cry into the pillow- he had enough awareness to avoid wakening Nanako from her sleep- his voice cracking every time he took a breath.

"...I'm sorry, Reki..." Langa sobbed at the empty room, "I shouldn't... have left you," His breath hitched again.

The pillow had long since gotten uncomfortably wet, and his throat was so sore. Every time he scrunched up his face, it felt like needles poking at his skin, his hands rubbing harshly over the tender skin around his eyes.

He knew he looked like a mess- but this was all he knew.

Crying to himself in his room, screaming into his pillows. Allowing himself to get pulled further and further into a spiral of negative emotions.

It happened plenty of times before- after his dad died- but this one felt different.

It felt worse.

And the only reason he believed was right was because he felt he was just unlucky.

Langa lost anyone he cared about, anyone he'd loved.

People he got too close to either died or ended up hating him.

The way he hurt Reki wasn't acceptable- he should just quit skating while he can, quit 'S', quit Adam.

He just wanted Reki back.

Langa loved him- he loved Reki.

But he didn't do anything about it.

'He was never mine, but losing him broke my heart into thousands of pieces.'

- 

A/N Howdy fellas, how do you feel after reading some angst? I'm gonna be honest, I just wrote this quickly to get me out of writer's block, but I hope you enjoy it anyway!

As always, thank you for reading, I love seeing votes and reading your comments!

Stay safe and happy reading! <3