Carry On

When You Are Done

"Cas!"

I heard Dean's voice desperately shouting my name.

Why?

That was a question that would seemingly never be answered. All this time, from the moment I pulled him out of perdition, to this very moment- the one where I found myself exchanging my life for his.

I could only die after experiencing true happiness, and so I finally told him.

I could feel myself being pulled into the Empty as that scene replayed over and over in my mind, along with the echoing voice of Dean Winchester.

"When Jack was dying..I made a deal. The price for which was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever."

I could still see the fear and confusion in Dean's eyes.

"Why are you just telling me this now??"

"I couldn't figure it out. I wondered what my true happiness could be- what it looked like...But I couldn't figure it out. Or rather, I couldn't make it reality."

"...What?"

"Dean, what I want, what would make me truly happy, is something I know I can never have."

His silence was loud.

"Then I realized why I couldn't make it reality. Happiness isn't in the having, it's in the being. And I can just say it- if I wanted to."

"What...What are you saying? Cas, if you're saying what I think you're saying then-"

"No. It wouldn't matter, whether I stopped now. It's either I die, or we all die. And I know you Dean- I know how you see yourself. Destructive, angry, violent, disposable...Nothing more than daddy's little soldier."

Dean's eyes widened.

"Hate. Anger. You believe that these are what motivates you, what defines you. But Dean, if I'm going to die here and now I need you to know that it isn't, and that everyone who knows you would agree."

I took a deep breath, and ignored the creeping tears.

"Everything you have done; the good, the bad...it was all done out of love, Dean. Love. You have fought for so long, for so many people, and at the core of it all, it was done out of love. And you know what? That's the most beautiful thing you could do, could be."

"Dean Winchester, before I met you I was cold. A robot. I followed orders without hesitation and did not care whether it was right or wrong. But after I met you....Dean...You changed me."

"Every time I saw you fight, heard you laugh, watched you cry and sacrifice yourself in different ways over and over and over again..."

"Dean, you showed me what love is. What it truly is."

"And for that...Dean...."

"...Cas-"

"I love you."

The tears flowed freely now.

"If there's one thing I want you to know, no, need you to know before I go...It's that I have loved you since the beginning and will love you until I am nothing. You are made of love, Dean Winchester, never forget that."

A single tear rolled down Dean's cheek.

"Cas- What- I...Cas- Stop talking like that- This isn't the end-"

"It's too late, Dean. I've already felt it; true happiness. And you want to know why? It's all because I was finally able to tell you my truth. You are what my true happiness is."

"Cas!"

"Goodbye, Dean."

I gripped his shoulder- the same shoulder I had gripped oh so long ago- and pushed him to the wall, so that he couldn't follow me.

The Empty appeared in its dark and slimy glory. It slowly wrapped itself around me, and I smiled. If this was how I was going, then I was happy.

I heard his voice scream my name.

"Cas!"

And then, there was nothing.

And then, there was only the Empty.