Something to Remember - trixya

I Can't Stop Loving You

1960

Her gaze was fixed on one of her pencils, not really looking at anything interesting on it. It was just a regular red pencil that she was putting all of her attention on, instead of focusing on classes.

"What year was it? Does anyone know? Beatrice?" Sister Isabel asked, looking at her and the blonde didn't know what the hell she had said. She wasn't paying any attention to the lesson at all, the voice of her teacher had been just white noise for her. The Midwestern opened her mouth but she immediately closed, feeling stupid for daring to ask what was the question about.

"Blair?" The woman averted her gaze to her classmate who had raised her hand to reply. Trixie despised her.

"It was in 1915, and it was sunk by the Germans because they thought there were carrying war munitions for the English," the other blonde responded.

"Exactly, that's the year that the Lusitania sank..." Before the nun turned her back on her students to write on the chalkboard, she gave Trixie a weird look.

She felt herself flush in shame for being distracted lately, but there was no way that she could focus on classes. It'd been like that for days and days, and it felt in that moment that there was no way she could recover herself from what happened.

Every evening after dinner she had to go back to their room, alone. That on its own, was so hard for her. The bedroom felt empty, cold, monotonous without her. Trixie tried to avoid saying her name because she knew that it was a matter of seconds before she cried.

Her eyes would always land on that lonely bed, where she wished that those platinum blonde waves would appear, where she wished to hear a voice saying to her: Good morning, Trix . And that smile, that one that made her heart race so many times. She wished to see it just once.

It was like falling slowly into this dark void and there was no way that she could stop or get out of it. Her mind was fueling all of her horrible thoughts again and again: it's my fault, she was expelled because of me, I'm a selfish idiot, I don't deserve to stay here, she does .

Trixie daydreamed every day, thinking about her, how she was, what she was doing. She wondered if Katya was okay, what her parents might have told her, if she already started in a new school, and the most important question: Did she hate Trixie now?

Those four walls gave her enough time to reconsider everything that she had done, to think a way of how she could have done this better. That made her brain a chaos, only feeding the culpability that she felt on the inside.

It was February and the snow was still there, painting the school and surroundings in an almost angelical white. Somehow she didn't feel like sharing her time with anyone on recess. Instead of talking to any of the girls, she walked in silence towards a calmer place to be alone with her thoughts.

As her head hung low, watching her own feet move, stomping on the snow, she found herself in one of the places that were the furthest from the dorms, behind the gymnasium.

When she turned the corner, she saw someone she wasn't expecting to see: Bianca. Both of them seemed to be so surprised by it, almost scaring each other. The brunette as a reflex almost dropped the cigarette that she was smoking.

"Oh, it's only you..." Bianca said, seeming calmer now that she had seen her classmate, taking another drag out of the nicotine. The blonde just nodded, and before she could move, deciding on leaving, the other girl said: "Please stay, I would like some company. This feels so boring without Katya..."

Trixie swallowed. It'd been a while since she had heard her name out loud; avoiding the tears as soon as she could. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't pronounce it. She supported her back against the walls of the building, looking down again at her shoes not really knowing how to respond to the other girl.