One More Time..

Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

It was 9.30 PM when he saw me off to home. I sent him back asking him to try to mention to his parents about higher studies, escape this wedding process and come with me. He smiled and said "I will try, for I see you have put so much of your thoughts into this, caring for me." I came home, assisted Riya in cleaning, played with Jiah for some time, discussed about my MS plans with Sachin and came to my room by 11 PM. Sid had sent me a text around 10 PM, with no reply from me, he had slept off. I skimmed through some GRE materials that Arjun had sent and came to bed half an hour later. I couldn’t sleep with so many thoughts in my head - Varun, MS and for some reason, my evening with Sid.  I wished Sid was awake. I rolled over and over in bed and I don’t know when I finally fell asleep. That night I had a dream. I stood amidst a partying crowd, looking gloomy. It looked like I was waiting for Sid but I got stood up. Just when I was about to leave, I felt a hand on my shoulder from the back. Tears began to roll down my cheeks when I saw him. He gently wipes them off with his thumb and kissed gently on my lips. When he broke off two seconds later, I looked at him with teary eyes, flummoxed. He smiled, put his arms around my waist to pull me to his height and kissed again. I closed my eyes to the feel of his arms around me, his lips over mine and tears continued to roll down, but in happiness.

I woke up with a mix of strange feelings that morning. While I was walking with Sid, when he caught my eyes, I remembered my dream that morning and I blushed. Fortunately, he didn’t notice it.

We walked for few minutes in silence. "Shreya, can I ask you something?" He asked.

I just looked at him.

"Is doing MS your ambition? If it is, how come you never tried to pursue before?"

"It was my dream to go somewhere far away, explore, meet new people, learn new cultures and so many things, and settle in a good career. But then, after I met Varun, I dropped it all to trash. All I wanted was to be with him. Such a dumbass I was! I dropped my plans without even knowing he didn’t want me."

I gave him a wry smile and he shook his head, patting on my back gently.

After a month and half of preparations, I scraped a 310 in GRE and 103 in TOEFL. I was surprised that I was able to make that score with such short span of preparation. Arjun, Anusha, Ajay were happy for me and Riya, Sachin were so proud of me. Sid did not bring up the subject of higher studies at all to his parents. But I convinced him to take the tests at least; he cleared off with a 312 in GRE and 107 in TOEFL. Good scores finally gave him the confidence to tell his parents about his plans that he called them that evening. After his call to them, he called me to ask if we could meet. He sounded low that I thought his parents reacted just like he predicted. But it looked like there was more for he wanted to talk in person. I met him in the nearby coffee shop. I didn’t want to push him; I wanted him to take his time to open up. While I sat there waiting to know what had happened, I was scared if he would hear my heart beating so loudly inside me.

"Shreya, I am sorry. I didn’t even tell my parents about my plans for they already had some news waiting for me."

I continued my silence. I just looked at him and listened.

He exhaled loudly through his mouth and continued. "The timing couldn’t have been perfect. They have found a girl for me, Shreya. They are coming here tomorrow for the formalities."

I saw pain in his eyes. It ached somewhere inside for me to see that. For a few minutes, neither of us spoke. He didn’t look at me after that; he sat there, his head dropped down, supported by his hands propping up on the table. I didn’t like that sight of him but I knew before I spoke something, I should get myself together.

After few minutes, I spoke. "Sid, why do you think it is all over? It is all over only if you say yes to the girl right?"

He looked up at me but said nothing. Was he staring at me because I said something stupid or because he was grasping the meaning of the situation from my sentence?

"Shreya, do you know who is the girl that they have seen for me? It is my dad's best friend's niece. He is more like a family member than a friend. Do you think I would be able to tell no to his niece?"

It was complicated but not as complicated as he was making it. How do I tell him that without hurting him?

"Sid, first you have to believe that you still have a chance. You will surely be given a space to talk to her in person. You need not reject her on her face, but you can tell her your plans. I am sure she will understand."

He nodded in agreement yet he was still worried. He saw that it was getting late for me, dropped me off at my place, told he would be fine and walked away. That night there was no text from him and no response for my messages or calls either. It was either because he slept off or he needed his space. Either case I did not be want to disturb him, but the images of him looking gloomy, his nonchalant behavior made me restless. I couldn’t sleep properly and woke up to the slightest of sounds. I received a text from him at 2.30 in the morning that said 'Shreya, I saw your calls and texts but I needed some space to get myself together. Sorry. Talk to you tomorrow.' I responded back immediately asking if I could call, and again, no response.

Around 7 AM, I received his texts that woke me up again. He thanked me for all my thoughts for him and said he was sorry for being a disappointment. He said he had thought over it all through the previous night and knew things could not be done in his way anymore, so asked me not to have any hopes. I thought, why would he jump into conclusions without even giving a try. Unable to bear any of that crap he was giving himself, I called him.

"You are awake?" he asked with a tone of surprise.

"I never was able to sleep properly to be awake now, Sid"

The line remained quiet for few minutes. "Sid, did you not listen to one word I told you last evening? I asked you to talk to the girl first and then decide."

"Shreya, I did not want to go to that extent in first place. So, I spoke to my mom last night. I tried my best to convince; told about taking the tests, about my disinterest in arranged marriage, everything. They did not budge, Shreya. If my own parents did not understand me, I don’t think the girl will. The bottom line of the phone call was that, if my real intention behind higher studies was not escaping marriage, I could go for it after marriage, taking the girl along with me."

I did not know what to say. I continued suggesting him to try talking to the girl about his disinterest behind this arrangement. And then he changed the topic.

"You replied even at 2.30 AM! Why did you not sleep?"

"What to do? Pain in your eyes made me go sleepless. I always want to see you happy Sid, for you are such a nice guy. But, I did not be so pushy because I sensed you needed your space." I really meant it. All he wished for is to find a girl and fall in love. It didn’t seem too much to ask for. Knowing Sid, I felt he deserved it and I couldn’t take the rejection he was getting in life.

I heard him mutter my name on the other end of the line. And then he asked, "Why did you not come into my life much before Shreya?"

It took me off guard. "What do you mean Sid?"

"I have never seen someone showing respect to my feelings to this extent; someone to care for me and my happiness with all her heart; someone to understand me to an extent of knowing when I needed my space, without having me say anything. I am sorry I felt this way about you Shreya. You were nice to me but in the end, I behaved like a typical guy too. I am so sorry for breaking your trust on me."

I remained silent, not knowing what to talk. I dived into my pool of thoughts too as he spoke. Did I like Sid that much to lose sleep over his hard times? I knew it was not love yet, but I felt it was not just affection that I had for him anymore. I needed time to think about it. I did not want to make another rash decision about getting into a relationship. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I gave him any hopes right then only to take it back later. In addition, I wanted him to figure out himself if he was speaking for his heart or if he was just bouncing off to me because he did not like what was happening.

"Please don’t ever be sorry Sid. Stay strong. Do what your heart says." With this final note, I hung up.