One More Time..

Chapter 12

Chapter 12:

It was so quiet around me, except for the whirring noise from the AC vent in the room and the constant beeping sound from somewhere near my head. It felt like I was waking up from a long sleep. My sensory organ picked up the sickening smell of disinfectants mixed with the smell of medicine in the air. 'Why am I in a hospital?' I asked myself only to receive the silent treatment from my brain. Every part of my body ached and it was not only because I had been arrested to the bed for days. I felt my right leg suspended with support from few feet above the bed. 'Was it only my leg?' I tried to figure out the answer for my question by trying to move one part at a time, starting with my fingers. I felt the ring on my finger - ring that I always played spinning across the table only to have Sid put it back on my finger, giving me fantasies of being engaged. Sid! The echo of his name from the corner of my brain brought all memories gushing back in; I felt an excruciating pain in my head and I wanted it to stop.

I did not know how many days I lied down there like that but I knew at that second when I was going to open my eyes, Sid would have been married. I did not want to open my eyes to the painful life I was going to live from that minute, to watch him as someone else's husband, to spend every day near, yet far from him. I wished I was dead. The first tear that seemed to mark the beginning of my miserable days to follow rolled out my closed eyes. Apparently, someone was beside me in the room for I felt a hand clasping mine. The touch felt familiar, warm and gentle; 'Sid's hands were always soothing warm' recollected my brain from the memory palace and my eyes responded with another set of tears. Whoever was with me noticed the tears and stroked my cheek with a thumb, wiping the tears. The gesture only gave me a feel to cry out aloud. There was so much pain in my body and heart and I did not know what dominated the other.

I felt a drop of tear from the person beside me fall on my hand. My brain was too busy in bringing back memories of Sid that it completely neglected the task of cooperating to find out who the person was. Whoever it was, I wanted to ask to be left alone, but I had no strength to open part my lips or at least, I did not want to. I was considering snatching my hand from the hand that was clasping it when I heard the voice calling out my name that set my every sense on fire. It was Sid! I wanted to open my eyes immediately to his call but then I remembered the cruel reality that he was married. I was so not prepared to see him any different so I kept my eyes shut while more tears flowed out. I felt him sit on the right side of me in bed. With my right hand still clasped in his left, he leaned forward placing his other arm over my shoulder carefully and pressed his face on the dip of my neck. Minute hairs of his beard and droplets of tears from his eyelashes pricked my skin; the scent of his cologne hit my nostrils.

"I am sorry I let go of your hands from mine Shreya" he murmured. As he spoke, the heat in his breathe gave me tingling sensation.

'You can't afford to have such feelings for him anymore' retorted my mind at my wide awake senses.

"I will go call the doctor", he said, rising up.

I held his hand tightly, conveying that I needed few more minutes with him. The physical pain could wait. It was only him that my heart, body and soul craved to be with. I slowly opened my eyes and my head ached more from inside as if someone dropped a hammer inside. And then I saw Sid standing in front of me, eyes locked into mine. He bit his lower lip to keep the puddle in his swollen eyes in place but it had no luck. Watching tears stream down that handsome face, the physical pain that I felt dispersed like a puff of smoke.

"Sid, I am sorry I let you down. Even after coming into your life, I let you lose your dream. I am sorry I flunked" I spoke through tears with strained voice.

He shook his head, casted one look at the door, leaned towards me and kissed me. The kiss spoke thousand words of love - it had the taste of missing me, pain of having been worried and gratefulness that I was talking again. I wanted a proper last kiss from him for the lifetime. So, what started as a gentle press of his lips over mine slowly advanced to higher levels. I parted my lips to take in his lower lip that he was biting so hard to control his pain, closed my lips over them and chewed them soothingly for minutes before moving on to his upper lip to repeat the drill. His lips tasted salty with tears. Was it because his lips felt so good or because it was going to be my last kiss of him, I did not know, I did not want to stop.

"Easy baby, save some for the future", he said, smiling amidst the kiss.

"What?" I stopped and pulled myself back from the kiss abruptly.

"Look at that sharp nose all curious", he taunted me pinching the tip of my nose softly.

I stared at him irritated by his efforts to distract me from the topic he was about to broach. He got the message. "I broke the wedding Shreya", he said, all fake amusement erased from his face.

I felt the earth dissolve below my feet. I felt a mixture of contradicting emotions - relieved and worried, shocked and calm, ecstatic and sad. He helped me sit up when he saw me making attempts to do it on my own. I wanted to ask why and how, but I knew it was not time for why yet, so I just asked "What happened, Sid?"

"I continued to receive calls from home since Friday evening as I had not started for the wedding reception back home the next day. But, I couldn’t leave your side, not after what had happened to you. I knew talking to my parents in the last minute over phone wouldn’t help, so I decided to go home. I told my parents what all had happened and that I couldn’t take it forward with Meera. I fought, tried to convince and begged, my mom cried and my dad was furious. It became a very big chaos, where I was singled out and emotionally cornered. I was able to convince my mom, but the rest were against me, even my brother. I couldn’t bring myself to run away after going home, so I gave in to family pressure and stood as the lost, helpless groom at the wedding reception. I cursed myself every second to have made the mistake of leaving your side for the second time in the same day. The threshold of my obedience finally broke when the photo session involving just the bride and the groom began. I told Meera and her family all the truth and that I could never be true to Meera or myself. It triggered one another round of emotional blackmailing, but I remained nonchalant and arrogant, something that was so unlike me. The plight of my parents did shake me but your unconscious form oozing blood on my arms was eating me alive too. After what seemed like a never ending discussion from both ends, the wedding was called off. And now, here I am as all yours."

He smiled but it never reached his eyes. He had broken the trust people had had on him, stood as the reason for defamation of his parents, been cursed by God knows how many souls, yet he bore everything. I couldn’t conclude if it was for me or because of me for I didn’t know what dominated his conscience the most - guilt or love. But it was evident that whatever it was, I had been the reason behind it. When I signed up for a relationship with him, I made a mental note to myself that there should be nothing he would regret for, no unfulfilled dreams or wishes, from that moment on; I wanted to offer him everything he asked for without asking explicitly. But, I myself had brought upon him his worst regret that he would carry to his grave. Not even in my wildest dreams would I have induced him so much pain of losing everything that mattered the most to him. I sat there hugging him, asking myself a series of questions. 'What did I do so much for him to have him do what he has done for me? How am I ever going to find a way to make it even? I knew I would make him happy, but will I be able to wipe the marks of the scars he has been inflicted with? Ultimately, do I truly deserve him?'