One More Time..

Chapter 9

Chapter 9:

It was a Wednesday evening of the week that followed, that with the project activities slackened a little, Ajay, Karthik, Sid were practicing for the upcoming cricket tournament with their team. Given Sid's love for sports and my negligible knowledge on the area, the least I could do was to be there as a spectator. If being a part of the fun was one kind of happiness, watching one's dear ones have fun was the other kind and being a supporter, I had the chance to live the latter. When Sid was on the field, I had eyes for no one but him; just to be a part of something he loved and watch him showcase something he was good at gave me inexplicable joy. 'I will let you see every day in my eyes the joy on how proud you make me feel', I thought to myself, when he acquired another sleek wicket. His furtive kisses in the air towards my direction and his effortless, lithe bowler skills aroused in me the feel of wanting to make love to him. Deo gratias, he was far away to notice my scarlet face or read my thoughts!

After an hour long practice session, the guys winded up not only the practice but also from work. The four of us went to the nearby coffee shop to hang out for few more hours before leaving home. The conversation that started with fun with the guys explaining me Ajay's foul playing advanced slowly to serious notes of game strategies and finally settled on Sid's wedding.

"Dude, it's been 3 weeks already since you talked about Shreya to your mom and there is total silence from your parents' end. Are you sure you are not oblivious to what might be happening around?" asked Ajay.

"I have been thinking the same every day since last week, Ajay. My mom is not the kind of person who she is playing now - she talks as if the conversation never took place. I wanted to give them some time to sort things with Meera's family, but this is taking longer than I thought", said Sid worried. That was the first time he expressed he was worried about the silence, out loud.

More worry lines appeared on Sid's face when Karthik asked, "How sure are you that your mom has told your dad about this?"

His expression depicted that he had the same concerns as well. "My mom had always backed me up in having my wedding as I had always dreamed. So, I presume the reason for her silence is that of dad's, given that Meera is his best friend's niece." Although he tried to convince us and himself, knowing him too well, I felt that deep down he had the doubts too.

Ajay and Karthik left after half an hour in their bikes, while Sid volunteered to walk me home. While walking, the conversation we had in the coffee shop continued to ring in my ears.

 "It is better you talk to Meera, Sid and tell her everything. Let parents cancelling the plans be on one side, you step up and talk to Meera please." I said, unable to hide the anxiety in my mind.

"Shreya, firstly, I don’t have her number to call her up. Secondly, I don’t know if she or her family already knew and had backed off. If they had, it would be inappropriate for me to talk on this." He had a point, but with every passing day and minute when I was not around Sid, I was scared. "I don’t know if I could give you every minute of happiness in future, Shreya, but I promise I will never let you down; and I am implementing it from this day. After reaching home, I will talk to my dad myself. I can't bear the silence either. If talking over the phone did not help, I will go home this weekend, sort things out and come back with the good news" he said, with a comforting pat on my back and a promising hold of my hand.

After what happened with Varun, I always preferred keeping my emotions to myself for it did not do any good to me in expressing them in the past. But of late, the attention and care Sid showed towards me made me wish I could come out of my shell. The time for break out had finally come on hearing him say what he had for me in the future. Mustering all the courage I had, I took the first step out my shell to say, "Love you, Sid"

It made him halt on his activity on playing football with the stones on the pathway and give me a look of disbelief that was soon replaced by a joyous grin. He resumed his foot-stone game, kicking the next pebble on the way with an enthusiastic kick. 'Such a kid!' I thought to myself and smiled. I appreciated that he did not say a cheesy 'I love you too' back, for I always felt that when people said anything with a 'too' was only a reciprocation of respect to other person's feelings with very little genuineness.

Sid knew everything about me except for one thing - my intimacy with Varun. As much as I wanted to be true to him and let him know what he's getting into, I did not want to ruin what I have with him. 'If he regrets being with you hearing your confession, you will regret it forever', said a part of me; 'He is going to persuade his parents in breaking the wedding once and for all. It is cheating to still keep it from him', said another part of me.

"What are you battling about?" asked Sid. How long was he observing me! It was too late for me to back off and I had to say something.

"Sid, how prepared are you to ruin your moment with me?" I asked. I decided to face the truth.

"Whatever you have to say, can it not wait?"

"I know you have too much on your plate right now. But, it is inevitable you know something about me before you talk to your parents again, so that you don’t regret in future for considering me."

I took his silence for granted. "Sid, do you remember me asking you about the attributes of your dream girl in beach? What if I don’t possess one or many of them?"

"Shreya, no one is perfect in this world. For me, life is all about taking in what matters to you the most instead of brooding over the absence of something less significant. If you are worrying about something that I asked for but you don’t have, I want you to know that it is love, trust, understanding and mutual respect for each other's feelings that I value the most. I know where you stand on those attributes, so stop fretting."

He was making it more difficult for me than it already is to say any further, but I had to. "You said about trust. You trust me that I am wholly yours. What if I am not?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know I was in a relationship with Varun for 7 years. Although there was no light on my path to see the road I was travelling in, I loved him with all my heart to give him everything of mine."

I wished he would understand; I couldn’t talk further.

He froze for few seconds in his steps and he continued to walk again in cold silence. He understood; I cringed - not because I was ashamed but because I hurt him. He sighed with disappointment before he began to talk again, after few minutes.

"You know I was never a judgemental person and am not going to be one now either. As much as it hurts, I appreciate your integrity. Let it be done and dusted, I don’t want to talk about the past. I have your love now and like I said before, you care for me enough to respect my feelings. Please don’t let your love for me be tainted with any such unpleasant memory from the past; leave it back and promise me to look back again. Because there are many beautiful memories I have for you down the lane with me."

Tears welled up in my eyes but I pushed them inside. He saw the hopeless fight my eyes were putting with the tears that were threatening to roll down and held my hand. Squeezing it gently to assure me of his support he said, "I don’t love you for lust, Shreya. When I decided to pursue a relationship with you, I signed a mental note to accept you as who you are. If this is a part of the package, I will still take it."

My eyes finally lost the fight. I had never told Sid that he was the guy of my dreams in every way I saw - from satisfying my petty romantic wishes to offering me a life I had always dreamt of and loving me with all his heart. When I heard his words, I decided to never tell him that ever, but to show him every day, every second, how much I loved him and how much his love meant to me. I made a silent prayer that second to never take him away from my life so that I could love him like I have loved no one; love him the way he was never loved before.