Self-hatred And Low Self Esteem

The Purpose Of Existence

"What is the purpose of our existence ?"

That is a general question where at some point in life we might found our own answer to that question.

Some people exist to protect others. Some people exist so they can live. Some are meant to be free while maybe some others are meant to be tied.

Our existence might be the motivation of others to continue their lives. Without our realization, we might have saved multiple lives just by being born into this world. Who knows right?

We might think that our existence in this world is just like a piece of trash that is meant to be thrown away. We might think that we're a failure. We might even think that God created as to be a nuisance to others. But like I have mentioned just now, "WHO KNOWS ?"

Trying to reflect on my own life, 

well, I'm just an ordinary 15 years old girl. I have nothing special. I'm not beautiful, untalented, not smart but also not dumb, and I also am an introvert.

In addition to all of that, I'm also a person who is struggling with low self-esteem and                self-hatred.

First of all, what is low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem is when someone lacks confidence about who they are and what they can do. They often feel incompetent, unloved, or inadequate. People who struggle with low self-esteem are consistently afraid about making mistakes or letting other people down.

So, I cried every single night because I try my best to search for my talent, "where I belong", what I'm good at and stuff related to that but, until now, I can't discover it yet.

I'm not good at writing, singing, dancing, painting, drawing, and even sports. 

"So what is it that I'm good at ?"

I also often cried when I look into the mirror. Like, I only saw an ugly girl who is good at nothing.

I also always loath myself. 

Self-loathing is extreme criticism of oneself. It may feel as though nothing you do is good enough or that you are unworthy or undeserving of good things in life.

Actually, no one ever directly judges me. I'm the only one who is judging myself.

Other than that, as a student, I'm responsible for my studies. I'm a lazy person who always studies last minute with the same excuse which is 

"I study last minute because only when I study last minute, I can remember what I learnt."

That is bullshit. I always knew that I study last minute because most of the time, I would like to enjoy myself by just chilling there and do nothing good that will improve my grades. 

On top of that, most of the time, I only study for good grades to show to my parents instead of studying for a bright future.

Then when my report came, I'll cry because it is not good enough for a compliment from my parents. What they only say is 

"You can do better."

It is indeed the same typical answer.

You know what, I only want congrats. That's all. One word - congratulation.

Is it that hard to say though.

"But maybe I actually don't deserve the congrats."