This Trying Affair • Jegulus •

XIV. Colors You Know I Can't See with Anyone Else

James finally understood the warning that Remus had given him so early on into his friendship with Regulus. "You've got to protect yourself sometimes too, okay?"

Maybe James had foolishly given his wole heart to a boy who was barely giving him a sliver of his. Maybe that had been a dumb plan all along. Protecting himself earlier on would've prevented this bone crushing hole in the center of his chest. It would've prevented him the heart break.

Remus had been all too correct. James did need to protect himself sometimes. If he learned anything from his time with Regulus it was just that. He, James Potter, loved much too quickly and fiercely. That was something he was going to have to work on. 

That is, if he can ever heal this ache to love again. 

It's current condition felt extremely permanent to him. 

James himself felt different. He felt not like himself. And if he was able to notice it, he knew that the Marauders definitely noticed it.

If you spent just one minute staring at his three friends, it was clear to anyone, even those who they had never met before, that they were severely worried for their shaggy haired bespectacled friend who sat silently with them, staring dazingly into the distance deep in thought. 

Remus being the only one who could guess what had happened was trying to quietly tell Sirius not to pester. He forcingly reminded Sirius that if James truly needed help that he would reach out to them as he had done before and that some things need to be processed provately first. Remus was also slightly worried that with how numb James appeared to the outside world that he would just tell Sirius the news that they had been keeping him from. 

Sirius would likely die just from deciding which one he should murder first, his brother who broke his friends heart or his friend who had defiled his brother. Remus did not need that added stress on top of already worrying for the usually ever positive James Potter. 

It had been the week before Winter break that James had finally approached Remus alone to talk to him about what happened. 

He had found him in the library alone. The only Marauder studying for midterm finals. He moved so slowly and quietly now that Remus had not realized he was there until James spoke. 

"He broke up with me or ended it, whatever you call it," James said, his throat sounded dry and his words were croaky, but the sudden noise still made Remus jump.

After settling down, Remus frowned at his friend. It was the first time he had made eye contact with James since he'd entered this destitute state. 

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "Do you know why?" 

"Because he said I wrote that letter for him and that... that I love him..." James's eyes grew teary. "He said that it was always going to end and it was better now before we got too attached. But Remus... I do love him and I'm already attached." 

James was takign deep breaths, they almost looked like hiccups, to not audibly cry in the library. 

Remus hurriedly got up from his chair across the table to instead sit right next to James. He pulled the man's head into his chest, resting gently on his shoulder. He soothingly rubbed James's hair and back with his hands. 

"He broke up with me because I love him. Who does that?" James cried softly into Remus's chest.

"I know, James. I know. He's hurting and he doesn't know how to accept love. It's not your fault, dear," He reassured him. 

"But that's why I love him! Because he doesn't think he deserves it and never gets it." 

Remus shushed him as his voice grew and continued to soothe him.