say hello wave goodbye

33: I intend to hold you for the longest time (1997)

September 1997

"Oh god, that was fucking incredible. Thank you."

Lindsey chuckles at her choice of words and her breathy sigh of contentment. "You're welcome. What the baby wants, the baby gets, right?"

On their way back to the hotel from the doctor's office, they had stopped at a drive-thru because Stevie was craving a cheeseburger. She finished it before they had reached their destination and then decided she needed almonds. He went to a nearby grocery store and got what she requested, and then they finally made it back to the hotel before she could ask for something else.

"I really shouldn't, though," she says reluctantly, sitting down on the couch and putting her feet up on the coffee table. It feels like it would be too easy to slip back into her binge eating days if she wasn't staying in control of what she ate, and she's been there already. Twice. Once when she was too drugged out to realize what she was even consuming, and once when she was in Europe and would eat herself sick on the rare occasions that she was hungry, in between trying to lose her practically non-existent baby weight so that she could forget that whole period in her life had ever happened.

"You should," he insists. "You barely ate anything this morning and you heard what the doctor said about not taking your vitamins on an empty stomach."

She reaches for her purse, pulling out a prescription bottle. "Yes, 'mother'. Look at how huge these things are! I think the vitamin itself is actually bigger than the baby is right now."

"You didn't tell me why she gave you a different prescription," he says as he goes to pour her a glass of water before she can ask for it. After they had gone over their medical histories and explained their past pregnancy to the doctor, she sent him down to the lab for a blood draw while she finished up with Stevie.

"Oh, I forgot you weren't there." While Lindsey was down in the lab, in between writing her a prescription for more vitamins and scheduling their next appointment, she had been surprised when the doctor started asking her more personal questions. Things like if she was feeling depressed or anxious, if she was worried about being able to stay sober while she was pregnant, and if she felt safe at home. The doctor said they did the same screening with every new patient, and Stevie believed her- but wow, how times had changed. She still remembers them yelling at each other in the ER in New Zealand, Lindsey obviously drunk and calling her a whore while she had visible bruises, and yet nobody had attempted to intervene or even said anything about it. Back then, that stuff was just considered your personal business. She can't imagine what would happen if they acted like that now, and she's relieved that she won't have to find out. "They're extra strength vitamins you can't buy over the counter because she said I needed more iron in the first trimester. Just as a precaution because of."

"Before," he fills in as she nods, setting her water on the table and tucking her legs to one side so that they're facing each other. "I'm proud of you. I know that wasn't easy today."

She shakes her head, lacing their fingers together. "It never gets easier."

He had automatically gone on the defensive when the doctor had brought up the baby they'd lost, trying to do as much of the talking as he could to spare Stevie from having to do it all herself. I know now it was my fault, I never should've given her those damn pills. And it was the same answer that they'd heard a million times, we don't know why these things happen, but it's hardly ever just one single factor. He doesn't know why that's supposed to make him feel better, reminding him of how many things he has no control over. But he wants Stevie to hear it, because he thinks she needs to, and he was grateful that the doctor was so compassionate and understanding toward her, reassuring her that she's doing everything right this time around. "I'm sorry. You never deserved any of this, you-"