say hello wave goodbye

48: the violence of existing for only you (1980)

May 1980

As much as he didn't want to see anyone, it was a relief to Lindsey when he heard Robin's car pull into the driveway.

"Hey," he said, leaning down to give Stevie a kiss on the forehead, "sounds like they're here. Want me to send them up here to you?"

"Yeah." She's reclining in their bed, propped up by several pillows, just as she's been for almost all of the last 24 hours since they've been home. So far, she hasn't tried to venture beyond the bathroom and he doesn't have the heart to push her to try.

"Need anything while I'm downstairs?"

She shakes her head and he glances at the clock. The seconds, minutes, hours seem to be ticking by so slowly, at least for him. She's been asleep most of the time ever since they walked through the front door and he all but carried her upstairs, then helped her into an old t-shirt and sweats of his and tucked her into bed with her stuffed panda. He, on the other hand, hasn't gotten more than a few minutes of sleep here and there in the last two days. The nurse told him to wake her up every couple of hours to make sure that she wasn't bleeding too heavily, and in between he finds himself rousing her to ask if she's hungry, or thirsty, or cold, or in pain. She mumbles something, usually 'no', and then she's out again, but it's enough to reassure him that she's still there and that he's doing everything he can for her.

"Right, okay." He makes his way downstairs and then takes a deep breath before opening the door. Robin and Barbara are standing on the top step, both looking like they've just been crying, while Jess hangs back behind them. "Hey, uh, thanks-"

He hasn't even finished the sentence before Barb hugs him tightly, her small arms so similar to her daughter's, and he's reminded of the way Stevie clung to him and begged him don't make me, I can't. "Oh, Lindsey. I'm so sorry."

"I'm...we're glad you're here, thank you," he stammers, trying to keep his emotions in check while the women are watching him with their teary eyes.

Jess recognizes his discomfort and decides to rescue him. "Lindsey, can you help me out with some of this stuff in the car?"

"Sure, yeah," he says, swiping at his face with the back of his hand. "Um, Stevie's awake, she's in the bedroom if you wanna go see her."

The women head upstairs and he follows Jess out to the driveway. When he opens the back door of Robin's car, a small white ball of fluff comes bounding toward him.

"Barb insisted that we bring her," Jess explains.

"Hi there, Ginny girl!" Lindsey kneels down and picks her up, his troubles momentarily soothed by the little poodle licking his face and yipping in excitement. "Aww, your mommy's gonna be awful happy to see you." He carries her to the front door and then sets her down, and she instantly goes bounding up the stairs in search of Stevie.

When he turns back around, he sees Jess watching him with a thoughtful look on his face. "So how are you holding up, son?"

"I'm fine. I mean. Just trying to take care of Stevie," he explains. He thinks back to March, sitting in the Nicks' kitchen and promising them he'd do just that, and he looks away from Jess. "I'm sorry."

Jess reaches out and grasps his shoulder firmly. "Listen to me. You have nothing to apologize for."

"But I -"

"No buts. You did everything you could," he says, and oh...if he only knew, Lindsey thinks. But he doesn't, so he continues. "This isn't what anybody wanted, but you and Teedee will get through this."

"I, um, I better go check on her," Lindsey mumbles, trying to move away from the older man.

Jess isn't having it. "When's the last time you slept?"