Love?

9

He was absent-minded at work and he hardly slept. This was killing him. He spent every waken hour when he didn't have Rory trying to figure this out. It shouldn't be this hard. A person should know if they were in love with someone, right? But he had never been in love so how would he know how it felt? Or had he been in love for so long that he didn't realize it?

He decided to focus on the things he did know. He even made a list. Harry was and had always been his favourite person in the world. Why? He didn't even have to think about it. His hand flew over the paper. Harry was so sweet. He was a genuinely nice person. He was funny and he always made him feel good about life in general and good about himself. Harry accepted him and made him feel safe. He could talk to him about anything and Harry was the first one he wanted to talk to when something happened, good or bad. Sometimes he was the only one he could talk to.

He stopped and read the things he had written down so far. It all pointed at Harry being a really good friend, his best friend. He rubbed his eyes and continued. Was he attracted to Harry? Without a doubt. Harry was absolutely gorgeous. Beautiful inside and out and he would even say that he found him sexy. Like when he got that leaf tattoo on his lower stomach to cover up his stretch marks after the pregnancy. Louis didn't even like tattoo but on Harry they were sexy as hell. So was his stretch marks. They were an evidence that he had carried their child. Louis found him even more stunning because of that.

Harry was the one he compared all the other guys with. Maybe not deliberately but if he would be honest with himself, and this seemed like the time to be, whenever he had been on a date in the last year he had silently thought things like, Harry's smile is more beautiful, Harry's eyes are prettier, Harry is funnier, Harry would get that joke, Harry, Harry, Harry...how messed up was that? He hadn't even realized it until now. How couldn't he have seen what was right in front of him all along?

Just being around Harry gave him butterflies, and it had been like that for more then a decade. Maybe he had gotten so used to it that he never reflected over what it actually meant? But it was more to it. They had always been friends and he never thought that they would be anything more then friends. He never thought that Harry would see him in any other way so he had shielded himself from heartbreak. He had apparently done such a good job at oppressing his feelings, being in total denial that he didn't even know that he loved him. Louis stopped writing. There it was. Love. He stared at the paper.

He put away the notebook and took a deep breath.
"I love Harry." He said out loud in the empty bedroom.

A smile slowly started to creep over his face. He tried again, tasting the words.
"I'm in love with Harry."

He burst out laughing. It felt liberating to finally say it out loud. Then he realized what he had done. He had pushed him away. He had been running around dating other men and even forced Harry to date someone just because he tried to avoid the truth staring him right in the face. He was a moron. A scared, blind, idiot.

Harry would never believe him. He would think that he was just saying it to keep their family together. There was no way in hell that Harry would think that he magically had fallen in love with him. Well, he had to try to get him to listen, to make him believe him.

He stayed up all night running all his lines. It was only the truth but he didn't know how to say it right. He had so much to lose. He decided that he would just speak from the heart. That would be sincere at least. He would fucking beg on his knees for Harry to believe him if he had to.

He went to work, almost falling asleep standing. He took a nap at lunch and skipped eating and that got him through the rest of the day. It was Friday so Harry would drop Rory off after work. He was nervous.

He paced back and forth in the apartment until Harry knocked on the door. He rushed to open it. Rory gave him a big smile and made grabby hands at him and he took her in his arms and hugged her.
"Hi Love, I missed you." He said softly.

"Can you drop her off at my mums tomorrow?" Harry asked with a stone face.

"Sure." Louis agreed and gulped nervously.

Harry kissed Rory and turned around to leave.
"Hazza! Ehm, Harry! I need to talk to you. Could you come back later when Rory is asleep?"

Harry turned around. He didn't look happy.
"Just say it now."

"No, I need to talk in private. Please Harry?" Louis pleaded.

Harry gave him a pensive stare.
"Fine. Eight?"

"Perfect. See you later then. Thanks." Louis smiled relieved.

Harry just looked at him and then he turned around and left without a word.

Louis made dinner for him and Rory. She hated it. He played with her on the floor after that but his mind was elsewhere. He was so nervous and axcious and glanced at the time every five minutes, having a guilty conscience that he couldn't give Rory his full attention.

When the clock turned seven he made her ready for bed and he was lucky, she fell asleep almost right away.

He spent the last half hour pacing around, thinking about what he wanted to say and then there was a knock on the door. This was it!