sun dried depression & other magic tricks | poetry

11 | blythe baird

when the fat girl gets skinny: part two

when i lost weight my dad was so proud he started carrying around my before and after photos in his wallet so relieved that he could finally stop worrying about me getting diabetes. he saw a program on the news about an epidemic of obesity. said he is just so glad to finally see me taking care of myself.

if you have a eating disorder when you're already thin to begin with you go to the hospital. if you have an eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with your success story. so when i evaporated, of course everyone congratulated me on getting healthy. girls from school who had never spoken to me before stopped in the hallway and asked how i did it

i say "I am sick"
they say "no youre an inspiration"

how could i not fall in love with my illness?

with becoming the kind of silhouette that people are supposed to fall in love with. why would i ever want to stop being hungry when anorexia was the most interesting thing about me. so how lucky it is now to be boring. the way not going to hospital boring. the way looking at apple and only seeing an apple and not ten or half an hour hour of sit-ups is boring. my story may not be interesting as it was before but at least the calculator in my head finally stopped. i used to love the feeling of drinking water on an empty stomach waiting for the coolness to slip all the way down and land in the well. not obsessed with being empty but afraid of being full. i used to feel proud when i was cold in a warm room. now im proud i have stopped seeking revenge on this body. this was a year of eating when i was hungry without punishing myself and i know it sounds ridiculous but that shit is hard. when i was little they asked me what i wanted to be when i grow up and i said

"small"

💐