(she)
the first time your lips digged holes in my skin and you held my heart and you squeezed it, was in a cemetery.
'cemetery of the lost,' that's how we called it.
we went there and walked around and saw the graves and wondered who they belonged to.
we tried to imagine the corpses, their lives, their names,
what is it with us and names?
you spoke, mostly.
i listened.
i couldn't stop listening,
not even when it was easy to do so;
not even when your words felt like blades,
cutting me open,
watching me bleed.
killing me, perhaps, burying me.
burying me here,
where i would be only yours to know.
you talked and i listened, although at a certain point i stopped listening and i started watching.
i watched you lick your bottom lip in between phrases, and i saw your eyes glow,
looking at the unknown,
and i wondered if that was why you liked me so much. because i was the unknown.
and also, i wondered if you would then get tired of me when i revealed myself to you.
i watched your hands move around, gesturing the great acts of the heroes we were (quite literally) walking all over.
passed away without a name, much less a story.
i thought that i would like that, if i were them.
i would like not having a story.
actually, i would like having it but it not belonging to me.
i would like for people to read all about me, know me to my core and yet always wonder,
at times,
'who the hell was she?'
and i want them to know that i walked this earth with my very feet,
that i set fire to it,
that i ate hearts and drank blood
and the better the person, the sweeter.
i want people to hate me, yet also need to be me, on some level — most of all, i want people to always wonder.
while i'm in one of these graves,
and everybody out there is looking for my identity;
i want them to never find it.
you're the only person i would let find me,
i told myself.
all you had to do was ask.
but business men don't ask,
they take.
and that day, in that graveyard, in the bewildering silence of thoughts,
that day you took.
and i watched you,
i liked it,
i felt the tension in the air,
i felt the dead feeling it too.
i heard them screaming, begging for it to stop.
is this how badly you want me, m'lord?
> what's on your mind?
> nothing.
you.
> what do you want, belle?
> nothing, tray.
you.
> what's your problem?
> nothing.
yet again, you.
fear, fear is a woman's biggest enemy. especially a prideful one, especially one who won't let it go. especially a woman who grasps to it as if their life depended on it,
one who turns fear to hostility and builds an armor around herself, unaware that what she's really assembling is a cage.
and so we shouted in a cemetery,
and i think we did because there were things we had to let out but couldn't,
i think those unspoken words filled our throats,
i think we were going to choke on them.
you asked me what you did wrong,
i said nothing. i did wrong,
i did wrong by agreeing to this trip,
you asked why,
i said "because",
you asked again, why,
> because i need control, and you take it away from me.
> yeah, well, i hate control. i thought what we were doing was the opposite of control.
> you were wrong.
> i'm always wrong.
> no, you're always right. so the one time that i am, let me have my goddamn moment.
> every moment is your moment.
> god, i hate you.
> and what the fuck did i do now?
> you exist, and i can't resist you, okay? and i hate you for it. stop looking at me the way you do, stop saying the right things, stop being so easy to like because it fucking drives me insane. i hate it when you're yourself.
you look at me and i know, i know that in what i said there was something that really stung.
you look at me and i know you want to feel hurt, you really do.
but you can't.
business men like women who bite back.
> just... shut up. just shut up and kiss me.
> see? this is what i'm talking about. stop trying to control me because the minute you tell me to do something i automatically want to do the opp- -
> just shut up and kiss me, belle.
i didn't hesitate.
you grabbed my waist, pulled me in,
you kissed me like you were screaming in a pillow, like you despised me for kissing back.
you kissed me angry.
then it changed.
you melted at my touch, our tongues played hide and seek, our souls reunited.
you kissed me, and then you kissed again, and again. and then you kissed some more.
i was feeding off you and you were breathing me and we would have survived for eternity in those kisses.
you kissed me like the world was ending and it started feeling like it really was.
and as it all crumbled down, still,
you never stopped kissing me.
not even for a second.
i had found nirvana.
