The Truth About Life

-Olivia: Chapter Three-

I wake up drenched in my own sweat, my bedsheets twisted around me.

I look at the clock on my nightstand, 2:31 am. I've been having more and more dreams lately. They really started up again after Gabe and I got divorced.

Divorced. Just that word makes my heart squeeze and I feel light-headed. I get up for a glass of water to relieve my parched throat. I stub my toe on the edge of something under my bed and reach down to retrieve the offending object. My fingers slide over a smooth, cold metal lockbox.

I kneel down and shove the box further under the bed. I can't deal with the memories, the ugliness, this box holds right now.

I splash cool water on my face at the bathroom sink. I take a good, hard look at myself in the mirror. I look old, I feel old. I don't want to look old, though. I'll be 40 this weekend. Wow, the big 4-0. When did this happen, when did these laugh lines, frown lines and stress lines become so prominent?

I pull my tanned and freckled skin taut. Maybe some Botox? I drop my hands from my face, no. No Botox. I've always believed in aging gracefully. But what happens when life isn't graceful on you?

I rake my fingers through my wavy, kinky hair, it feels a bit dry. A trip to the salon, maybe. I'll have Audrey come too, a girl's day. But wait, I feel like Chase needs a day more than Audrey. She seems to be handling everything way better than Chase. She's so quiet though, always up in her room. I heard somewhere it's always the quiet ones you need to look after the most.

Good grief, I wish when you delivered your kids a manual would come out with them. Like, "Instructions and guidelines on raising Audrey Parker". I mean, that would be incredibly helpful. Being a parent is so hard, and scary. I feel like I ruin my kids a little bit more every day.

And Gabe. What was he even thinking punching Chase? He has never been violent with the kids. Heaven knows I've wanted to lash out a time or two, but Gabe has always been so levelheaded.

Chase won't talk about what happened that weekend. I had to squeeze it out of Audrey, and who knows if she even told me everything that went on. When I talked to Gabe the night it happened, he sounded beyond stressed and angry at himself. He told me he hadn't seen Chase act out like that before and it was just a strange and horrible reaction to the situation.

I wasn't even aware that Chase was drinking or smoking. Did he drink all of the time or was he being defiant that weekend for his dad's sake? I really wish Chase would just talk to me. If I felt like my kids were in danger or Gabe was a threat in any way, I wouldn't have the kids visit him. But I know Gabe made a mistake. One he'll regret for the rest of his life. I'm truly not sure if the kids will ever forgive him. If that happened to me as a teenager, would I forgive my dad? I really don't know.

We all make mistakes. We all do or shouldn't do all kinds of things. We hurt people, either on purpose or accidentally. Sometimes it's our actions that hurt others, sometimes our words. Some things people have done to us are too painful to even voice. Some things are unforgivable. I shake my head, clearing the fog from my brain.

I turn away from the mirror and my wrinkles (how dare my skin fail me). I sit on the edge of our bed, wait, my bed. I really need to throw this bed out and start fresh so that it really is my bed! Honestly, I don't think any of us really can start fresh. We all have baggage we carry around. Baggage that will always weigh us down.

Hmm, maybe I need some self-help books. "Good grief, Olivia. Pull yourself together," I say out loud to myself. I look at the clock, 3:03 am. I throw myself on my pillows (yes, I at least bought new pillows after the divorce) and cover my face with my hands. I hear a noise in the hallway. Maybe one of the kids going to the bathroom. I get up and open my door, Audrey's standing right outside my door.