A Selection of Monologues and Short Stories

To Whom I Used to Love.

To whom I used to love.

You broke me. That's not love. I know this now.

You hurt me. That's not love. I know this now.

You made me feel like nothing. That's not love. I know this now. 

It wasn't all bad. We laughed. I used to enjoy your company. I longed for you. To be with you. To live and grow and experience everything with you. I really thought that what we had was real. I really thought that you felt the same. Wanted the same. That you loved me. 

But you didn't. I know this now.

We had firsts. 

First Kisses. Like electricity dancing on my lips long after. 

First Loves. Giving myself fully to you. For the first ever time. Giving you all my trust.

First Dates. The first time anyone had ever wanted to take me somewhere special, that would hold precious memories for us there.

But then. 

Kisses were a currency. 

Sex wasn't based on love, trust or intimacy. It was based on control. Power. Owning.

Dates weren't precious anymore. They were dreaded. Arguments always imminent. Public humiliation. 

Suddenly, all these things that used to be so exciting and full of love, were now fuelled by your insecurities, possessiveness, jealousy, anger. These were now things I wanted to be lasts. Never to happen again.

This wasn't love. I know that now.

You used to be gentle. Caring for me when I was in pain. You were there.

And I would do the same. Caring for you when you'd harmed yourself. Helping you with the drink, the drugs.

You used to be kind. Helping me through troubles.

And I would do the same. Guiding you through some tough relationships and hurdles.

You used to be supportive. Encouraging me to achieve the goals I strove for.

And I would do the same. Staying up until the early hours helping you study. Providing you a safe haven when you felt you couldn't go home.

But then.

Hugs turned into shoves. Hits. Slaps.

Kindness turned into malice. Enjoyment for you came from negativity surrounding me.

Encouragement turned into verbal aggression. Belittling. Guilt-tripping. 

You broke me. My character. My friendships. My achievements. My trust. My happiness. You drained it all. 

This wasn't love. I know that now.

I used to trust you. Trust you with secrets. With admittances. With personal family issues.

You wouldn't share them. You would help me through them. My confidante. 

And I would do the same for you. Helping, guiding and supporting you through suicide attempts. Overdoses. Hospital admittances. Everything

But then.

Nothing was ever safe. Even from the beginning. 

You would share things that weren't yours to share. 

You would take advantage of me. My body. In my sleep.

You would take photos. Un-consented. In the shower. In my sleep.

You would lie to my friends, my family members, about me.

You took money from my family.

You broke every form of trust a person could have. You took that trust and you crushed it into the ground. 

That is not love. I know that now.

To whom I used to love.

I now know what love is. 

And it is not what you gave me. It is not how you treated me. It is not how you made me feel. It is not how you made me think.

It is bright.

It is hopeful.

It is built on trust.

It is laughter.

It is acceptance.

It is building each other up.

It is support.

It is understanding.

It is believing.

It is Love.