Delilah 'Blue' O'Connell

one

monday

i think today must be cursed.

well i definitely am at least because it's only eight o'clock and i apparently have forgotten how to function.

i've already rolled out of bed which woke me up and then i fell over a chair on my way to the bathroom. 

since then i have fallen over another eight times and most of them were for seemingly no reason.

as if i needed to be put into an even worse mood, i've woken up with the worst anxiety ever.

something that has been so detrimental to my wellbeing recently as i struggled to keep it under control.

it wasn't even that i had any specific reason to be anxious but it certainly knew how to take over my body.

the way that it made my whole body shake as i begged for my lungs to open and allow air it.

yet that wasn't even the worst part of anxiety, the silent attacks were the ones that were killers for me.

they knew how to fully take over my body, leaving me to watch my empty shaking frame.

it's only to keep you safe.
we know how to look after you.

but with my anxiety as bad as it was  today, i knew that every little task would be a struggle.

even brushing my teeth made me fear for my life as every tragic scenario chased my happiness away.

after a while of procrastinating, i finally found the energy to drag my heavy body from my bed.

my feet hanging just above the floor as i tried to gather my thoughts for a few seconds.

although i knew that the longer that i sat there, the more likely i was to just crawl back under the covers.

you'll be safe there.
you're not safe anywhere else.

i stood up, my lungs struggling to keep their normal pattern as i lifted my shaking hand to pull open the door.

today was yet another school day which meant that i had no choice but to force this feeling away.

hoping that i would be able to bury it deep down inside of me to avoid any unwanted attention.

however the second that i was out of the house i would be able to relax as my mom is the hardest to convince that i'm okay.

with every step that i took i found myself feeling more and more sick as i struggled to inhale.

eventually i felt my feet hit the cold floor as i stalked into the kitchen to try and find my mom.

what if she's dead?
what if something's happened to her?

my eyes scanned every inch of the room before they fell onto her jet black hair, relief washing over my body.

"good morning!" she spoke, cheer filling her voice.

however my response instantly caused her mood to dampen as i only nodded my head in response.

instead of opening my mouth to carry the conversation, i found myself climbing onto one of the bar stools.

"are you okay baby?" she questioned.

my head nodded once again before falling onto my arms as i found myself struggling to hold it on my own.

"having a bad day?" she questioned knowingly.

i didn't reply to her comment, not really seeing the need to when she had already guessed what was wrong.