"Y U...?"

Chapter 37

WIN...

     In 2 days, I was just at home. That's what Bright has stubbornly told me while I was staying in his black house like what I called it now. My prof granted me 3 days break after that incidence was reported.

     During those days, I do nothing but play video games for the first time and watch movies until midnight that I never once had done since all my time was spent on focusing on my studies and follow my sleep routine. So after long years I've been depriving myself from this kind of stuff and breaking my own rules, I freed myself to feel the fun at least and the youthfulness that I forcefully buried in my head, I reminded myself again that I was still in my teens.

     Bright never once allowed me to do anything especially in the kitchen to cook for he's the one who do it for me instead. So all I did was watch and wait for him until I was served with different kinds of delicious meal that I don't usually cook in my own house. And I justify, he's much knowledgeable than me in terms of food. But at least I can cook pancakes to survive.

     I also had the chance to roam around the new environment and forget even for a while what I had experienced on that supposed to be my sweetest day but just turned out by that monster to be my most darkest of all darkest time of my life and considered it as the most cruelest nightmare I ever had.

     Waking up each day with dried tears on my face, only to sob in silence on my own, was so tiring and frustrating. It gets even worst, finding myself feels like suffocating everytime my eyes landed on my wrists and arms with still visible red marks of fingers that still painted my pale skin remembering that bastard's smug face who bored that so much pain in my physical, emotional and mental state. It made me feel more weak and want to blame myself for being careless and stupid.

     If only I just stayed cold like those glaciers that spreading widely in Antarctica, maybe no one would dared to approach me. If only I stayed miles away from those curious individuals like I always do, maybe they will never had the chance to reach out for me. If only I stayed alone and just be contented with the company my only and annoying friend offered me, maybe I'm still at peace and never thinks of anybody else. If only I convinced myself more that letting somebody in my life would not be that fun at all and just brought up more pain and brings me back to my vulnerable self like at this moment, maybe I'm not feeling this helplessness right now.

     And if only... If only I never crossed paths with him, maybe my life would still be the same... just like before, plain and simple, without me overthinking that if I step out of my door, I'll be facing real crazy people that are just waiting for me, to accuse and throw me filthy and hurtful words that I almost believed that it was true. No one will bother to drag me like a rag and do those horrible things if only I never met Bright. If that only happened, maybe they will never be able to notice me. But that was if only and maybe.

     That decisions to be intimate with Bright, I know there's still that fear and confusion in my mind. If that was only out of my impulsiveness or pure curiosity on how he was able to handle me so easily. And the reason why I ended up in here, I'm more aware now that was because of him. I told him before too I would never like him and would never be. But...

     I lose my own control to myself because my brain and my whole body made their own decisions already and was screaming I WANT HIM AND ONLY HIM. Besides my bestfriend, he's the other one who dared to uncover the real me and reveal more of me that even I doesn't know yet. He even let me find out what I really want and crave for it. He let me see different ways to appreciate life more. Not just my usual life I used to lived, but both good and bad lyimg in it. He even let me discover other people's pure heart that has still in them. Though I stumbled down upon those rotten one. But he said, it was part of life. To meet someone like them and learn to fight our own shadow of fears. To fight my own fears.