To The Moon and Back | Remus Lupin's Daughter

16. Regrets - Remus

It didn't take long for Dumbledore and the Aurors to come to the burrow and take peter away. the coward was dragged away by Mad-eye himself. we couldn't get a word out of him.  the sight of him actually made me feel sick. for the last twelve years i grieved for the asshole while he hide among the safety of members of the order. While Sirius rotted in Azkaban. 

Molly didn't stop shaking for hours after they'd taken him away. she just kept repeating how for twelve years a death eater had been living under her roof, sleeping in the same rooms as her kids. i could understand, if i were in her shoes and a killer has been buddy-buddy with Astra, i think i may have lost it. 

Arthur followed Dumbledore to the ministry to help explain how Peter had been uncovered and exactly how he'd come to be living in with the weasleys. 

the kids, they were confused. i don't think they full understand what was really uncovered in their kitchen. they're too young to be roped into it. I'm just curious as to how Astra realised it. she seemed to noticed it before i did. it's like she could sense he was bad news?

when i went up to get Astra so we could head home, i found her asleep on Fred's shoulder, apparently the twins had dragged my little pup into setting up a prank in Ron's room and it had tired her out putting setting up around thirty golden sniches with hidden compartments filled with itching powder  that would release after being caught into his room. Apparently it was Astra's idea to add the itching powder after listening to a few of their pranking stories. I know i shouldn't have approved of the idea, but i couldn't help think how she definitely would have made a good marauder. James and Sirius in particular would have been proud of her mischievous ways. 

We've been home around two hours at this stage and i couldn't help wonder where sirius was. did he get word that peter had resurfaced? was he hunting for him and that's why he escaped? Was harry safe? would Dumbledore now let us be in harry's life?

looking up from my spot in the garden i notice Astra on the edge of the forest, she looks to be talking to something. gesturing around in excitement like she was retelling a great tale. her hair kept shifting colour from blues to greens to oranges to pinks. it was mesmerising to watch. shaking my head with amusment i look back at the note book i'd begun yesterday evening and began documenting the different magical feets i'd witness astra accomplish throughout the day.  loosing myself in my thoughts and memories. 

it wasn't long till my thoughts began to trail off, i felt like i didn't know what was realitiy anymore. Twelve years, i spent twelve years trying to learn not to love the man who i'd been lead to believe betrayed out family. I spent twelve years trying to force myself to hate him. I lost everything i held dear on the 31st of october 1981, i lost James and Lily, people i saw as my brother and sister, people i was fighting to save. people i swore to protect the minute we learned of the prophecy. I lost Harry, my first pup, never to be allowed be part of his life. too consumed by grief to be able to look after him.  I thought i lost peter, a friend, someone i always trusted, i thought he's been murdered by someone we all trusted. i couldn't make sense of it. it never made sense, peter was never brave so if sirius had betrayed us why had it been opeter who confronted him. that always confused me, created questions that never really let me accept what happened. 

so why didn't i try... fight for sirius? fight to get him a trial? what was stopping me? He was the one who's loss hurt me the most. sure he didn't die, but i still grieved him, i grieved the man i loved, the man i thought i lost to the darkness that had destroyed his life more than once. he'd been mistreated by their family. lost his brother to dark magic. so why would he have turned? It didn't make sense, so why didn't i stand up for the man i loved? the man i still love.