The Two Kings - Zack x Hodgins one-shots

Dr. Hodgins, I seem to have a problem

- Dr. Hodgins, I seem to have a problem.

Jack looked up from the microscope to see Zack staring at his phone with confusion.

- What kind of problem? - he asked, hoping that the problem in question involved doing something Goodman wouldn't approve. Man, what would he give to piss of his boss, especially on this rather boring afternoon?

- I've been contacting this girl lately, she's attractive, nice and willing to meet me, but we've got some sort of misunderstanding. Maybe you know what's her point?

Hodgins sighed and moved the microscope away. Well, this might be interesting, although maybe not as spectacular as tossing a pig into a wood shredder.

- Sure, what'cha got there?

- Well, we were casually chatting - Zack put his phone away - When she asked how big am I. So, naturally, I gave her my height, both in inches and centimeters, even though she asked me about my height before. But she responded, and I quote, "Oh silly, you know what I mean" - Zack crossed his arms, looking puzzled. - But I still don't know what she meant.

Hodgins snorted. He knew Zack was a bit behind in the terms of subtext and suggestions, but seriously?

- What's so funny? - Zack asked. - I'm asking you for help and by your reaction I presume you know how to solve my problem. Do you?

- Yeah, but I... You know what? You can figure it out. Let's look at what we have - Hodgins got up from his chair and came up to his colleague. - What could she be asking about in the terms of size?

- Well, the only thing I can think about is my shoe size, but I can't see how would it be revelant to our relationship.

Hodgins had to stop himself from laughing. How can someone be so smart yet so stupid sometimes?
- I'm absolutely sure she didn't mean your shoe size. Any other ideas? - he asked, leaning against a nearby desk.

Zack pondered for a while, looking more and more lost in his thoughts. Jack waited for something to happen, but they both stayed quiet.

- I give up - Zack mumbled after a solid minute or two.

- Oh, come on! What part of your body can you measure?

- Anything! - Zack exclaimed. - My head circumference, my hand size, the length of my arms... - he started naming multiple examples, each one more abstract than the previous one. Hodgins sighed in resignation. Did he have any social life during his childhood?

- What about your cock, huh? - he cut Zack off, looking at him with disbelief. The boy went silent.

- Now that you mention it... It does sound pretty logical - he said slowly, clearly thinking intensively. - Is it common to ask your possible future partner about the size of their genitals?

Hodgins rested his head on his hands.
- Are you kidding me? Yes! Dude, did you even go to highschool? Guys brag about it, trying to impress their friends, and especially the chicks. Having a big one makes you respected!

Zack looked him as if he heard a particularly intriguing fact about a new species.
- So what you're saying, is that men measure the size of their penises in order to attract ladies, and gain respect in their friend group... Interesting.

- Oh come on, don't tell me you never did that!

Zack looked at him as if he heard an accusation.
- Of course not, why would I?

At this point Hodgins was almost sure Zack's either joking, or secretly an android designed to find out everything he can about the human race.

- Well I suggest you do so, because that lady you're messaging clearly wants to know your size - he said, going back to his desk. Just a few more samples to analyze and he'll be able to go home. He was just about to look at another bit of pollen, when he heard Zack unzip his pants.