You can't force love

Chapter 15 - Collapse of it all

Every void of Levi's mind had been woken up by an urgent knock on the doors. In a trance he had stood up, not feeling his body. Door had been opened and Eld had paled upon seeing his Captain that way. Quickly, he had closed the door and led Levi to the sofa, making him sit and look at him. A few clicks of fingers and hand waving, Levi was able to register and reassess moves.

And he blinked, confused and distraught at Eld who had a concerned yet serious look on his face.

Levi asked him what he was doing there and Eld told something that shocked him on a whole other level.

"Captain, there's no point in denying nor hiding anymore. We all know what is happening between you and Petra."

"Nothing-"

"You are my superior and I know it fully well, but for this one time, please let me speak freely like a man to a man."

There was nothing Levi could do now. Even if he had made himself decide and force the fate in the other oath, he realized just then that it was all useless. Because it found its way in the end and all his efforts were in vain.

And he didn't know whether he should be happy or sad.

"Speak then," Levi said, closing his eyes so Eld wouldn't be able to see the emotions whirling in them.

But what he didn't know was that Eld was fully aware of them, able to register and read them much better than he himself was. Partially from his own experience and torments, partially from observation and own intuition.

"We know why you don't want to tell her, but believe me when I say it, she suffers. Much more than it seems and she'll never recover."

"I know it, Eld," Levi said coldly. "But the risk is w-"

"Worth what? Happiness?"

Sneering, Levi shook his head. "There is not happiness in the world we live in. Once you get close to someone, they die and you are hurt forever. What good will the prolonging of any relationship do?"

"Then do you condemn me, Captain? For having a loved woman in my life and causing her pain every time I go beyond the Walls?" Eld asked with a hint of disappointment.

To that, Levi stayed silent. Not having the right to comment anything about other people's personal lives, he never contemplated things alike. Especially not Eld's fiance. Though he couldn't not admit how much he sometimes envied him for being so cheerful and dreamy, opposite of a serious soldier he was on duty.

And everytime he would let his emotions and that inward delight show, it was when talking about his loved ones or with his comrades. Or when joking, dancing on the gigs they sometimes went to.

All in all, he was enjoying life and everything it could offer. Never exaggerating, always temperament.

Enjoying like Levi desired he had a will and a chance to enjoy.

So he said nothing at first.

"Do you, Captain? Is that so much of a sin?"

"... If she's willing to wait and have a broken heart, what can you possibly do?"

"Exactly!" Eld said a little too loud, causing Levi to flinch.

"Do you even doubt Petra, Sir?"

"... That's-"

"It's not the problem. You've said it yourself. If she's willing, you shall accept. Simple as that. Better than regretting."

"It's not-"

"With due respect, Sir, spare me," Eld said with fists on his hips and Levi blinked up at him, not sure if he's just heard a remark thrown right into his face by Eld, whom he would never attribute as a defiant man.