𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘭𝘺, 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 / 𝙗𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙚 𝙚𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙝 - 𝙨𝙢𝙪𝙩

sign of the times - i.

your pov.

{gxg;billie;dominant, y/n;submissive}

i was never really good with words, no matter how hard i tried to be. i was just a normal person, really. at least, that was what i'd always told myself.

it was true for the most part, and when it wasn't, it wasn't like i was special for the better (more like the kind of different that made people run far, far away from me!). the sick kind of different, the one that either pushed people away fervently or clung onto them so tight they suffocated in my presence kind of different. there was never an in-between.

but i was determined to change that for her.

"the world's a little blurry." my favourite person forever reminded me of that and stated it on the daily, even before she knew me. i'd always known her, though. from the second billie spoke, i knew her (at least more than anybody else i'd had a parasocial relationship with!), and the worst part was there was only more to know. she hid so many parts of herself from the public; enclaves teeming with vitality and creativity and love more than even billie eilish herself showed.

i sighed, sadly thinking about the parts of herself she held captive and held firmly onto the armrest as the plane's wheels slowly landed on the asphalt. we'd just landed in berlin, and my stomach was in knots, but it wasn't for the reason most would have likely thought. i'd forever feared flying, but that was the least of my worries. i had far greater things that plagued my mind, at the moment.

we rushed and rushed on the tracks for what seemed like minutes and minutes before we came to a halt. i opened my phone. like an idiot, i'd forgotten my sole charger at home, and i didn't want to have to wait to be in the airport before receiving any of billie's potential calls or messages. i knew it would only be an extra thirty minutes longer, but i couldn't bear that wait if could speak to her sooner than that.

i wondered if she knew how crazy i was, still (after all this time!). that i still blushed when she texted me or sent me one of her favourite memes that never seemed to bore her even after the six hundredth time or so.

i just didn't do it when she was around (or at least i tried not to and caked powder on my cheeks when i knew we'd be seeing each other!). i knew better than to act like a fangirl after being friends with her for a few months. what would she really had thought of me, if not?

my phone's screen blared white before the adorable picture of billie and me with our faces smashed together and looking at the camera popped up on my screen. i looked terrible, but it wasn't like i was looking at myself, anyway. my heart clenched every time i saw her that close to me (more like a panic attack, really!). almost as if my skin couldn't remember having her at such close proximity. all i could recall was how fast i felt dizzy when she'd asked to take a selfie of the two of us together. she'd even asked me to send her a copy so she could keep it on her phone, too.

i wondered if she still had it.

i hadn't believed she could care so much about me. i still didn't, and i'd never had the courage to ask her for a photo prior. i wanted to play everything cool, and i really didn't want her thinking i only wanted her for clout or money or whatever other worry could have potentially crossed her mind.

3%. i just wanted to get off this damn plane (!!), and go buy an overpriced as hell charger inside. i knew billie had told me she'd cover all expenses of the trip. it was not like i had a lot of (or any, to be just!) money, but i already felt bad. she'd paid for the plane and hotel, the least i could do was pay for my food and all of my other necessities.

it was not like i fucking cared if i'd be even more broke. that seemed so whatever in comparison.

i huffed, annoyed that my phone would probably die and i'd have to wait to get inside, and then, charge it. she would have probably called already. i rolled my eyes, thankful nobody was beside me. billie had bought both seats, even if i'd begged her not to and she'd promised me she wouldn't. she had, of course (!!).

i knew she'd just wanted my comfort, but she'd already done so much just by being my friend.

beyond that, just being alive. yeah, maybe good girls do go to hell, but maybe they go because they save girls like me? i didn't know, but something about it seemed right; an unscathed angel charring its wings to rip another girl out of hell? from hurt, from suicide.

but she'd been there once; hell, and i knew berlin was a very hard city for her. i wonder who took her out, then. her fans (even if she wouldn't dare call us that!), she'd always told me, and i believed her. the way she spoke of them (or shall i say us!) was unprecedented. it made me glad to be one. though, i'd always been proud.

to speak with candour, i just hoped i wouldn't put her back in hell for saving me from it. i wasn't worth that damage, especially her damage. it was why i made sure to never discuss the things that hurt me dearly.

ding. ding. ding. my phone rang. i'd changed it from "ocean eyes" to another song by an artist i didn't remotely care about when we'd spent a day together last time. anything not to seem crazy or obsessed.

it wasn't a number i recognised, but i decided to pick up, regardless. she almost always was using weird numbers that weren't hers for some reason or another, but it also meant she'd memorised my number by heart (at least, that was probably what it meant).

"hello," i said nonchalantly.

"hi, mamas," billie spoke with a slight laugh in her tone. i froze, but i didn't let it change my demeanour on the outside or how i talked to her in any way (at least i hoped!).

"hi, i just landed!" the happiness dripped out of my throat like honey. it couldn't all be contained, and that was fine. we were close, after all. even if i knew it wasn't anywhere near as much as she and her other friends were. she kept me at a distance, i felt, but i'd never dare complain.

i was already dreaming, and i assumed it was because i was a fan, and somewhere deep down, she probably knew that wouldn't ever change (why else would she keep me at bay?).

"good! you enjoyed the two seats, i hope?" billie smirked. i could hear it even through the phone.

i rumbled, "you didn't have to-"

"ah, ah, ah," she voiced, cutting me off before i could say more. there was, then, a slow pause. i hope she didn't find it uncomfortable, but it was hard to always find the words with her around. "i have soundcheck now, but you know the hotel room, right?"

"yea, 1210."

"noo," billie laughed.

"18," i corrected. i'd known the whole time and guessed wrong purposely (maybe for more time with her, god knows?).

"1218," she agreed. "though, i'm pretty sure you knew that bunny!" i died inside at the pet name but feigned normal laughter instead. "see you around 9?"

"yes." and before i knew it the conversation ended, and i was boarding off the plane as my phone slowly died in my left hand.