Notes: voice lacking an identity talking to me
"What do you feel?"
"Terror."
"Of?"
"All."
"Why's that?"
"Someone asked me to talk to them about my problems. It made me want to cry and scream and hurt myself. But I didn't. But I still want to. It's getting worse."
"Why did it make you feel that way and want to do those things?"
"I don't know! Stop asking me weird questions!"
"I'm trying to help..."
"I'm SICK of it, absolutely SICK of people trying to help in ways that I don't ask them for but never do they listen and help with what I need."
"And how do you know what you need? Pathetic stupid child."
"Are you... are you mocking me?"
"What? You didn't know that everyone in the world knows better than you about what you need? Fucking worthless, stupid little braindead baby."
"Stop it! Stop saying those things!"
"Aww look! Little dumb baby got upset because someone's trying to help him!"
"Shut up shut up SHUT UP!"
"And now he's throwing a tantrum. Does he need a nappy? Or... does he need to be imprisoned and reminded of his place in this society again?" the soft and feminine silhouette in the shadows morphed into a large demonic shadow face towering over me. I stumbled back, clutching alpacabear.
"Stop! Please just leave me alone! Why won't you leave me alone!"
"You need bars too, like a crib, and a good, angelic mommy who will... discipline you as she pleases. Because EVERYONE knows better than you."
"You know nothing. I'm going for a smoke."
"Oh but didn't mr. friendly-friend who is uncannily reminiscent of EVERYONE ELSE you ran to for help tell you not to smoke? You wouldn't want to disappoint this kind gentleman, would you sweetie?" more demonic shit-eating grinning.
I wanted to burst out in tears and cry myself faint. I needed to. Nothing came but my body is shaking, my eyes feel wet, my heart is racing and I can't really breathe, "stop. please."
"Oh, you really think I care whether you consent to this or not???? This is MY freedom of speech. I get to do whatever I want to you, but you, disobedient useless property as you are, shall not disrespect me by leaving. Who the FUCK do you think you are, you selfish beast?"
I feel my brain get foggier. It chants silently. KILL KILL KILL DIE DIE DIE. Kill yourself. It says to me, kill yourself. "Please," I feel my eyes welling, "please go away."
Only more yelling. Only more mockery. Degrading. Dehumanizing. I want to die. I want to die so badly. Please. Maybe I should just have some smokes. Maybe if I get high enough she'll leave me alone. But she's mocking me now. Telling me how whenever someone hurts me, it's my fault. Constantly reminding me verbally that I don't have friends. I think she is Thebi, in my head. She's only just a fuzzy shadow so I can't really tell. But I think I see her now.
"I'm scared," I cry, "please stop. If I'm such a kid then why won't you treat me gently and kindly. I'm only a kid when it's convenient for you. Please stop. Go away. Stop it! Don't touch me, please!"
She, IT, engulfs me. It smothers me and touches me and I'm so uncomfortable. I don't want any kind of stupid scary forced contact for an apology. I want to be far away. I want to cry to someone who listens and will never, ever let me back here again. I'm scared. I just want to be safe.
"You know nothing, you've experienced nothing," it says ever so sadistically, "you're just a kid. No rights, no brain, no experience. You deserve nothing. You take what you can get and if you get nothing then too fucking bad. I don't care if you kill yourself as long as you do it within my walls."
