One Unread Message // Book Three

» Chapter 19

---- [Proof god is dead] ----

B: This is so excited, it's like when you get cold crunchy grapes

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D: looking around the room like squad got the bell daddy, TV&Socks, shut up, wanted criminal, unpaid child labourers, seaplane enthusiast, and Nerd

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T: Hey! Y'wanna play a game? It's about luck! *grabs gun*

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B: I wish an animal WOULD cross me

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D: what now mr. I can handle this? What's the plan mr. I know what I'm doing
R: Hey, I never said I know what I'm doing

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R: What are you guys doing?
D: WhAt Are yOu GuyS dOing? Minding my fucking business. Can you do that too?
R: Rob, don't start with me today. I'm not in the mood
D: Why the fuck you callin me Rob? You're not my friend, we're COWORKERS. It's 🛹✌️Robin🔥🧃 to you
R: I don't- I don't care- just- go to school. Everyone
T: Or what?
R: What?
T: Go to school or what?
R: Or I'll slap your casing on a more obedient endoskeleton that knows to go to fucking school
T: That would be like heaven so I can never interact with you and your ugly fuckin mug again
R: You guys- you guys work with children. Why're you this fuckin mean and disrespectful and rude-
T: AHT, you got it. We work with children, not ugly ass wrinkly grown ass adults. If you want the "golden treatment" age down about 40 years okay?
R: Where did you learn this. Who.
J: ✋
R: How old do you think I am
D: Old enough to mind your fucking business

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R: just found out what the generation after Gen Z is called and I've already decided I will not be handling this well
R: pick your challenges carefully
R: nope that's still too many challenges
R: babe you gotta put back some of those challenges that's too many :\

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W: *jolts awake circa 2am on the precarious edges of siren's slumber, pulling out my phone with quaking shaking desperate hands to search engine: "Where Are Chickens From"*
T: Egg
R: Egg
D: a circle has no beginning
B: Dinosaurs

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C: reflecting upon Ancient Fungal Forests
T: would you please share your reflections with us?
C: millions of years before trees were even a Thing, Prototaxites (a type of fungus) were the largest land-dwelling organism. so like, fungi if there was no plant or animal competition to bully it into submission. which is how you get this delightful nonsense:
C: ancient fungus said "is anyone gonna fill this empty ecological niche i just found" and didn't wait for an answer. anyway my reflections have led me to conclude that I want fungus to be the dominant global species again, and I want it to Absorb Me.
C: technically fungi not mushrooms, mushrooms are just the fruiting bodies of some fungi (so the apple compared to the apple tree). also now I am really goshdamn curious about how these fuckers reproduced. were they covered in shrooms the way trees are covered in leaves? did they just seasonally burst open with massive clouds of monster spores? I don't fear the dinos but I am developing a primal terror of Tall Fungus

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B: *throws a handful of grapes into my red wine slushy and slurps it like bubble tea*

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J: please stop forgiving my sins I worked so hard on those
J: "your sins have been forgiven my child" bitch do u know how much PLANNING–
J: "your soul will be accepted into the kingdom of–" I DON'T WANNA GO! BITCH PUT ME BACK
K: same energy as the "i think it would be very therapeutic if god tried to pick me up and i bit their hands and scuttled away" post

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W: *harvests your fingerprints for future decorative use*

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K: Why can't you just walk into a store and take something? Then walk out? Like, who is going to stop you? Walmart stopped funding that greeters, so you could just walk in, take whatever, and walk out, as long as it doesn't have one of the things that make the alarms by the door go off. Make it make sense
D: hat's actually an unspoken law
T: What
D: If no one sees you, then you're good. It's like, "oh, you got us!"
T: You're saying shoplifting is legal if you cross the barrier and nobody sees you.
D: Mmhmm
T: The statute of limitations on that is until you get to your car. And then once you're there, it's olly olly oxen free.
B: I mean, that's the question. If the question is "Why don't you do that?", the answer is, "Everybody does, all of the time."
D: Yes
B: You've just described the exact conditions through which everyone is stealing everything.
D: Yeah
T: Everyone's doing it? I've never shoplifted anything in my life
D: Can I tell you why everyone doesn't do that? Because it's not exactly everybody who would shoplift from Walmart is a master thief. I worked in loss prevention at Best Buy undercover, and the ability to be, "Oh, look at that person who is hiding their eyes and looking around." It's like, "Yeah, you're not exactly Pink Panthering this shit. It's that guy, in the hoodie, who won't make eye contact with anyone." And then I would do absolutely nothing about it <3
T: But like, at Walmart, what's gonna... like, someone. I've never understood. You can just grab the thing and walk out the door, and even if someone is like, "Hey, you can't do that! I work at Walmart and you have to pay for that". What's stopping you from being like, "No... there's really not anything you can do to stop me.", and then getting in your car and driving away.
B: I mean, you can do that. Can't they detain you?
T: No, they can't, you know why? I'm a fucking adult, and they have no legal authority over me!
J: So wait, Timmy, are you implying that all of capitalism is just a smokescreen, and we only do it because we think we have to do it?
T: I'm saying that societal norms are all entirely projected into our own minds and our teachers. I'm saying, if I go to Target right now, I could pick up a fucking PlayStation 3 and walk out the door and someone like, "Hey, you can't take that, I work at target!" I could say, "You're not my dad... like, later... later." And then I could hop on my skateboard I've been riding through Target the entire time because nobody can fucking... They can't touch me, that's for fucking sure!
C: It's like a haunt... Target is like haunted house rules. They can't touch you.
T: They can't touch you. There's a security guard by the door. He's not... a fuckin... ordained by the city. My taxes don't pay his salary. He's not gonna fucking shoot me. "Later."
T: That's why he sits by the fucking food court. He's not a cop. "Later dawg! Later!"
D: If you ever want to have some fun at a big box store. Trust me as someone who worked in loss prevention, they won't do shit until you try to leave with it. Even if they watch you do it. So just make eye contact with someone in the electronics department and put something down your pants. And just before you leave, pull it back out and put it on the shelf. And then just walk out, "Goodbye everybody!" And like
T: Or, can I give you an alternative theory? Just shove it down your pants and walk out of the store. Because they're not cops! I wouldn't shoplift from a cops store! A cop good stores staffed entirely by cops because they're going to be fucking enforcing that shit.

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