𝗰𝗵𝗮𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂

hands

☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽ ☀︎︎ ☽

walking to school with a heavy heart.
my mind races, as it usually does. so many thoughts cloud my mind one after another. it's days like this when i wish i had a good book in hand, ready to block out the world. shame i can't focus on the words anymore. getting to lost in my head. i should be meeting ned in front of school today. that's what we usually do. if nowadays was anything like normal i would easily walk into school as if it was nothing. everyone knows it's not nothing. the heels of my feet skid to a stop.

peter?
how the actual fuck did i manage to bump into him. if i just-
"i'm so sorry i-
"where you off to?"
"oh uh- school."
"yea same."
"what- what about your girlfriend?"
he tilts his head to the side for a moment almost contemplating what i'd asked.
shit. what. why did i!
"how'd you know i have one?"
"wha-! oh i've seen you guys ar-around."
he nods understandably but my heart only hurts more when the realisation hits. that, he doesn't remember anything. the conversation, god he probably has no clue who he is.

"well we go to the same school right?"
"yup."
"here."
he takes my hand, lacing it with his own.
i think he noticed my wide eyes because he stops.
"my hands are cold."
shrugging with a smile. that's enough to break me. he would know that. my heart beat only picks up and he catches on.
"unless- you don't- oh i- you probably have someone-
"i don't mind."
i do.
"oh."
it's my turn to shrug and pull him along and out of his 'moment'.
"as long as your g-girlfriend doesn't mind."
"she'll never find out."
"oh?"
so parker's a player, great.

somehow i wish i could hate him so badly, then this would all be easy.
it would be easier to listen to his girl troubles. knowing that it's not me he's talking about. the feeling of his cold hands clamped against mine. his trainers grazing the ground as he walks, a habit i picked up on quite quickly and forced him to stop. hoping his hands don't get any colder so this won't have to continue. it's a sense of familiarity that i can't shake off. to think two-ish weeks ago i thought he'd never leave my side. i wasn't completely wrong.

"so.."
i need to start a conversation before my knees go weak.
"tell me about you."
he takes a breath. oh god.
"what d'ya wanna know?"
"oh- friends?"
he hesitated, forcing me to fall back into him slightly. safe to say, my heart skips a beat or two.
"sorry, i guess i don't have any friends."
"oh."
"yea what about you? friends?"
that causes me to splutter.
"i have a few. like- like one."
he laughs at me, a long bellowing laugh that ends with a sigh. i would scowl him but it's nice. it's loud and heartfelt.
it's something peter parker hasn't done in such a long time.

"guess we're both loners, huh?"
i smirk slightly, i try but it turns to a frown when he squeezes my hand gently.
"i haven't laughed like that in a while, thank you. no hard feelings though."
he's facing me now. squeezing my hand gently. his alight gaze cascading across my features.
tears fill my eyes as his words suddenly hit me.
"thank you."
he says again.
my voice is chopped. my vision becomes blurred. the distant queens traffic humming mindlessly around me.

we stand in silence.
"sorry i made you cry."
my heart can't take the way he talks to me.
"it's ok."
he smiles. big and wide. happy.
"thanks pete."
"for what?"
he tilts his head. confused.
"for being there when i needed you the most."
"i'm confused."
"i know."
my voice breaks as each new word escapes my lips. low and broken. shallow and lost. he doesn't look dead anymore, not in these past few minutes. he looks alive. happy. he lets go of my sweaty palm. oh god. was i too silent. shit. imagine some girl from school holds your hand and starts crying and thanking you. shit.

"that's ok, i don't want anyone to be upset."
i nod. i get it. he's just good like that.

"even if we are just strangers."

there's a tightening swell in my chest. air suddenly feeling like razor blades slicing through me. i thought i had it together. somewhat at least. i hear my sobs after he leaves into the bitches arms. i can't stop now, inexplicable tears run down my cheeks. i'm wiping furiously. my face is stained i can tell. people, staring through their lashes at my shaking figure.

"mj?!"
i hear neds voice and amusingly fall into him.
"what's wrong?!"
he's shocked, i don't cry. not like this.
"mj you've gotta calm-
"why would he leave me?"
my voice is hoarse, shaky, failing.
"he said he was mine ned!"
it's broken.
"mine."
he pulls me up off of the floor that i must have subconsciously fallen onto.
"you have to pull yourself together right now mj. ok?"
i can't.
"or- or- i mean-
he stops himself and i can feel my head growing weaker.
"you've gotta help me out here mj. ok?"
i nod my head stiffly. shame planting itself along my shoulders.

i've built up this persona of the loner bookworm who didn't give a shit. i was fiercely intimidating and wouldn't let anything get in my way of reading a good book, or standing up for what i believed in. yet here, michelle jones. sits in a pool of her own tears over an 'ex'. over a boy. a stupid fucking boy.
ned picks me up and takes me to where i can only presume is a coffee shop of some sort. my tears run dry and i try to shut up, knowing i'm in a public place that could get both ned and i kicked out.

"why?"
i look up at ned i front of me. he's upset and from what i can tell he's been crying too. neds a softy, course he would.
"i was holding his hand... b'cuz mine used to warm em'"
he's confused i can tell. he would do the head tilt that peter would. i hold back a sob, choking on it.
"right."
remembering where i was less than a few minutes ago. in his arms.
"i'm sorry."
"mj don't-
"no. i'm sorry. you should be in class right now."
he sighs. we're both-
defeated.

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