Ethereal

part five: Bargaining

   I woke up with drool streaming from my mouth, piling onto my shirt. Sunlight streamed through the crack in between my closet door and the wall, signaling it was morning time. I scratched my head, noticing how exhausted my body felt. Pain shot through my arm, and when I looked down my eyes met a long red cut pathing from my elbow to my wrist, where it abruptly stopped by my pinkie. A shiver crawled up my spine as I pulled my sleeves down, hiding a causality from last night's rampage. I knew getting up would mean coming out and recognizing the mess I'd made, so I sat there for a while, watching the dust play inside the ray of sunshine illuminating my hiding space. After I ran out of things to distract myself, I stood and opened the door. My breath collapsed as I stood over my handmade disaster. My favorite books laid like fallen soldiers and my sheets covered the cold floor like ghosts of the battlefield. And so the reconstruction began. 

   I picked up my sheets and put returned them to my bed, throwing my pillows after them. My blanket filled with air and hovered over the bed as I evened it out to lay straight. My shadow danced on the wall as I stepped around the million pieces of my lamp, grabbing the trash can to pick up the big fractions. I let out a breath of relief when I realized my clay figurines hadn't broken and picked them up gently before setting them back down onto my dresser. After an hour of sweeping, organizing, and returning objects to windowsills and dressers, I finished. As I slowly sat down, my shadow disappeared behind my bed, and my mind calmed. I took deep breathes and relaxed, knowing I'd be alright now. My mind wondered and questions filled my head, wondering if my parents had heard or seen my room. As if my thoughts had been heard, my nose filled with lavender perfume as my mom stepped inside my room, closing the door behind her.

   I suddenly sat up straighter against the wall, rubbing my left arm and hiding my left behind my back. She sat down on my bed, looking at my floors and crossing her legs. I was a sprawling mess of dried droll, confusion, sweat, and misery, and she took that in before inviting me to my bed. 

"....I've gone crazy. I can't explain."

   I scratched my leg, looking straight into her eyes and searching for an answer to my problems, finding nothing but exhaustion and misery. "Sorry," I said, hoping to snap her out of her chance with the "magic" word. Nothing happened, nobody moved, the world stopped spinning and I'm sure I stopped breathing. When I gasped for air tears streamed down her face, and the world melted. I melted into her arms, and we were a sculpture together. Frozen in time as sobs escaped our bodies, ricocheting into every corner and hidden secret. Everything was now free and soon long gone as our eyes ran dry, and our hearts emptied. Waiting for someone to speak. 

   The only thing missing was the replacement for all the pain, the happiness that was supposed to seep from the beautiful phrase that was repeated over and over again, the aspirin for a broken soul. "I love you" seemed to numb me further into the vault I'd locked myself into time and time again, ignoring the cries of my mother as she tried opening the doors I'd shut on her once again. I never met to hurt anyone, but I didn't understand. How could we cry together, Mother and Daughter, without Sister? Without Dad? How could we share tears when it wasn't for her? A sacrifice to the goddess that walked this Earth beside us, loyal until her gold path was tarnished, before her life worth crown jewels were stolen. Overnight, a kingdom fell, weeping for its princess only. 

   And here we were, crying over spoiled milk. Over a rainy day, over the world not caring enough. Crying over the things that didn't matter anymore, and ignoring the one thing that always would. We ignored the shooting.

   "Auraleste," My mother pleading, hugging me and drying her red eyes, "We don't have to use her as an excuse anymore. We can cry. We can be angry and upset without her, that doesn't mean we have to forget her." She shook, pieces of her heart falling into the black growth in her soul, consumed by the darkness that'd taken me.

Grief. 

"What if she's still here? What if the stupid reporter got her name mixed up with somebody elses' and she's still out there??" She stayed quiet, my words were arrows attacking her walls.

"What are we gonna do without her?"

There's always a chance.

   "You can't negotiate for a life, Aura. It's how it is, how it's been since May 17th. She died in that school, and nothing we say or try doing can change that. The past cannot be changed anymore, Aura. Please," She rocked me in her arms, trying to change the things that had been simmering in my mind, trying to make sense of how somebody could be gone before I was ready. "Try to understand that."

Anguish.

"I....know that. I do. Don't worry, it's okay. Everything will be alright some day, I know it'll be soon."

   Lies seemed to pull my life together. 70% of everything I say hangs by a thread, weaving together the story of my existence in a foreign way to outsiders. Nobody understands how good I am at making them see what I want them to see. Nobody understands that I'm manipulative, a liar. I mold and bend people's feelings like it's playdough, and nobody ever tries to stop me, because nobody ever catches on. That's how good I am at this.

   So when I told her our near future would be bright, I never thought twice about her figuring out I was wrong. Because usually my lies create the future, making them mostly true. But this time, my words matched everything else in my life, playing the part of the narrator. But they pulled on a costume and played the part of the backstabber well. The truth to me, and a wretched lie to everyone else. 

The future is as bright as a dim lightbulb.

Congratulations! You've reached the end of "part five: Bargaining".