The worst part of being an older sister is the guilt. When you figure out what happened and it settles into your head, the first thing you think of is "Why wasn't I there? Why did I let this happen?". Even though it isn't your fault. Even though you...
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I sank to the ground in shock, choking on the air that refuses to enter my lungs, releasing the sobs that had been begging to escape. Staring at the messages, I tried typing back a response but nothing I wrote made sense. I was asking too many questions, and I couldn't focus on my phone too long without crippled cries escaping my throat and my vision blurring. I was drowning. I saw myself type "i love u to" and send it. My dad pulled me into a tight hug as our sobs melted together to form a song of sorrow and grief. The man on the news announced another name, Avery Ghallagher, as we broke down. I kept checking my phone to see if my message had been read, but my disappointment lingered as a lump in my throat every time I saw two grey checkmarks. When my dad's phone rang, we pulled apart and I reached for it. Seeing the contact name wasn't "Julie", my lip started trembling as I handed it to him.
I snapped back to reality, where I sat across my therapist.
When she looked at me, I saw a pained look flash in pools of ice, but she quickly collected herself and handed me the red tissue box. I took it and noticed the stream of tears collecting at the bottom of my chin. I didn't realize I had started crying. I wiped my face with a tissue, and turned my attention to the alder tree violently knocking it's branches against the huge window to my left. She sighed and wrote something down in her notepad. Then, looking at the wooden clock by the door, she turned back to me and held out her hand.
"Looks like our session is over for this week." She said, pulling me out of my chair and leading me towards the door. The silence while we were walking to the lobby was unbearable, but I had nothing to say to her.
After we took an elevator to the first floor, I ran to my Mom and was pulled into a warm hug. The familiar smells of rose essential oil and chocolate relaxed me, almost making me forget I had just discussed the day my sister died with a stranger. But it didn't, and after she let go I tensed up and bit my pinkie, ripping the dead skin around it off. My mom cringed, but ignored my habit and conversed with my therapist about the session. My therapist told her all we had talked about was "That day", and my mom nodded. I noticed her tired eyes and messy hair, and thought about suggesting her a therapy meeting but decided against it.
"Auraleste, let's say thanks to Miss. Skyzer and head home, alright kiddo?"
"Thank you Miss. Skyzer, I had an interesting time..um, I guess-"
She cut me off. "You're welcome Auraleste, and thank you for joining me today. You're welcome back anytime, and remember to talk to your parents when you need to." She shot me a small smile and then walked away, her high heels' echoes the only trace of her being there.
We walked outside to the car, and once we stepped out of the building I regretted wearing such a thick sweater. The spring-almost-summer breeze collected my hair, pulling strands out of my fairly neat bun and pushing them into my face. I got in and closed the car door, buckling up and leaning on the gray seatbelt. Weird how I didn't need to call shotgun anymore, or race anybody to the passenger's seat.
"How about pizza? With extra pepperoni? Italian sausage sounds good right now..." Her voice trailed off as I turned on the radio and stared out of my window, focusing on a gray Chevy with the windows down and music blasting. Summer thrills is the type of music Julieanne called it. I listened to the family's shouts to be loved by the mystery person nobody ever knows, and closed my eyes when they drifted father into a different lane and the music faded behind the sound of engines and motorcycles. I listened to whatever music was playing on our radio, and only starting thinking about it when I heard a lyric I'd hear before.
"What did he just say?" I asked my Mom, straightening myself up in the seat. She gave me a strange look and said, "Hm...I think it was 'I love you for infinity, and forever more' or something like that? And.. 'I'll love you 'till the sun burns out and bursts into a billion stars'? I don't know." She switched the station and focused on the road, leaving us in our peaceful thoughts. My eyes starting tearing up at the phrase, so I quickly looked back out my window and didn't blink.
If she had more time...I know her last message to me would've been "I'll love you until the sun burns out". That was what she always told me, even after we had a stupid argument, she'd always come into my room and tell me she loved me before she went to bed, and I'd always say it back. I never realized how much I loved her, my best friend. I never appreciated how much time and love she gave me, and how much respect she showed for me. I guess that's what happens when you get used to things. You settle into what's become your norm and don't think twice about it until it's gone.
"Julieanna," I whispered, letting a few tears slide down my face.
"Please don't let me forget you."
Congratulations! You've reached the end of Part Two: until the sun burns out.
