From the Outside Looking In

“What’s wrong with her?”

“She’s just a spoiled brat. Look at her, throwing a tantrum over something like that.”

I steered clear of the gawking bystanders, pulling my screaming thirteen year old daughter out of the store. Did they think we were invisible? I could hear all their rude comments echoing in my ear, but I forced them out of my head. If only they knew what it was like.

       I got to my car and made Halyn get into the back seat. She had seen a dress that she had fallen in love with in the store, and when I had said that we would come back to the clothes section after getting the milk, she lost it. When Halyn stopped screaming, she looked at me with her big blue eyes, expectantly. I was not going to give in this time. She had to learn that she would not always get her way.

“Nope!” I exclaimed. “You threw a fit in the store today; you didn’t behave. You won’t get that shirt today. Maybe when you are acting nicer.” Halyn looked away from me guiltily, knowing what she did was wrong. She was smart that way. I didn’t make a big deal out of the scene she made. I was too used to it. I was too used to the stares, too used to the embarrassment, too used to the frustration. I didn’t feel anything anymore.

       I sighed. Glancing at the time, I realized I had to go pick up Halyn’s younger sister, Rylee, from her swimming class. I stepped on the gas and just made it on time. “Hi Mom. Hi Halyn. Did you get that shampoo I needed from Walmart?” Rylee chirped as she climbed in the car.

“No, I couldn’t today. We had some issues with Halyn.” I said, giving Halyn a look.

Rylee’s face fell, but I knew she understood what I meant by “issues.” She knew all too well. Still, she never ignored her unique sister, always stood by her side and defended her from  bullies. I couldn’t imagine not having her around. I think if I didn’t have Rylee, I would have gone crazy with just Halyn.

Raising an autistic girl alone is anything but easy. My husband was obviously no help. Dave just had too much pride. When Halyn was diagnosed, he yelled at me, saying it was all my fault for not raising her right. He made no move to ever comfort me or say everything would be all right. All he could do was yell. Dave could not accept the fact that his daughter was damaged, like some dented can at the bottom of a shelf in the grocery store. I never forgot his last words to me, “I won’t be seen with her in public! She is not my daughter. I will never be able to love her.”

Soon after that I called my sister in who lived three hours away from us and made arrangements to stay in an apartment close to her. I packed my bags, took Halyn and left, leaving only a note:

I can’t bear to live with you. How did I not see how cold- hearted you truly were when I married you? You may have disowned Halyn, but I am not like you. I never thought you, of all people, would be capable of doing something like that. We are going somewhere far away from you, and don’t you dare try to come follow us, though I am pretty sure you won’t after what you said. Goodbye, and have a nice life... without us.