From the Outside Looking In

Mother?

What was that? The voice was shaky and high, as if it had never been used before. But was it coming from outside or was it in my head?

Mother, it’s me. Halyn. I wonder if you can hear me.

I nearly toppled over from shock. My own daughter, who never said a word in all the thirteen years of her life? No way. I must be crazy. But still, I tentatively directed my thoughts toward Halyn.

Is that really you?

Yes mother, it’s me. Oh my goodness, you understand me!

Oh. My. Goodness. I quickly reached up to wipe away the tears welling up in my eyes. For the first time, we had a way to communicate. We could have a normal conversation now! Well, not really normal, but I was ecstatic all the same. Who wouldn’t be after being able to actually understand her daughter for the first time in thirteen years?

But how is this possible? You’ve never been able to say a word to me...

I broke down crying again. Looking up, I gazed at Halyn in her wolf form. She was cocking her head at me, her eyes full of melancholy. Suddenly, she looked so mature, so capable. I couldn’t believe that this was Halyn Leah Belov. No way.

~~~~~

We went on a walk(not a run, neither of us felt like it) through the woods behind our neighborhood. We had thirteen years of conversation to catch up on, and that would take a while.

Halyn? I asked apprehensively. I was unsure of how she would react to my question.

Yes, Mom?

If you can understand a lot of things... then how come you act out sometimes, like in the store the other day?

I could tell she was hesitating, but I wasn’t sure if I had offended her. I didn’t mean it like that, it just amazed me how this whole thing was working out.

It’s really weird. When I have those fits, it’s like I just can’t help it. Something kind of comes over me, refusing to let go. I’m so sorry for the gazillion times I embarrassed you and Rylee.  I can’t control it.  And other times, I just get so frustrated when you guys don’t understand what I’m trying to say. It’s not your fault, really, it isn’t. But do you know how hard it is to not be able to utter a single word?

I looked down, ashamed. How did I ever think that Halyn was throwing a fit because she wanted to? Of course she didn’t want to embarrass us. I should’ve tried to see the world through Halyn’s eyes, but the truth was, nobody, not even a mother, would be able to understand how it felt like. Only Halyn.

I’m really, really sorry Halyn. For all the times I yelled at you to stop throwing a tantrum, or when I ignored you because I was mad at you for all the wrong reasons, I’m sorry. I was so dumb! I should have realized sooner.

It’s alright Mom! Like I said, it will never be your fault. she said reassuringly.

Suddenly, something within me stirred.

Halyn, we are going to do everything we can for you to talk! We’ll do more speech therapy, we’ll-- Halyn interrupted.

Mom, please don’t. She sighed sadly. We both know that it is hopeless. There is no cure for autism. Please don’t get both our hopes up. All it’ll do is make everything worse. Sure, you can continue with speech therapy and everything, but the most it will do is make communication somewhat easier.

My shoulders slumped in defeat. She was right. It was hopeless, and worse, impossible.