White Butterflies

Origins: Pt. 2

"... the Stonebeings are scattered all over Paris, and for the time being, they are showing no signs of movement. Police have cordoned off the areas. Paris is relying on our new guardian angels, Ladybug and Chat Noir, to save us all. Our lives depend on..."

My mind trails off as Nadja Chamack continues to report the latest updates on the Akumatized victims all over Paris. Ladybug and Chat Noir, she said. I suppose it's only Chat Noir now.

"Listen," my dad says, placing an arm around me while we both watch the news, "I know how upsetting and scary this can be, but don't worry sweetie. We've got two superheroes looking out for Paris, and the best way to help them is to show them that we aren't scared because we trust them."

I stare down at the bowl of dough I'm mixing. Hopefully, it will turn into croissants if I manage not to spill the dough on the ground before I can put it in the oven. My mind reels with guilt and shame, recalling less than a day ago when I took of my Miraculous earrings and bailed on being a superhero. 

"But what if Ladybug fails?" I murmur, not sure of whether I'm asking him or myself.

"Then I'd come and save you. Superbaker to the rescue!" my dad announces, pointing a croissant in the air like a sword. He always jokes around as he knows I get anxious very easily, and I appreciate that, but nothing could ease my mind at the moment.

I giggle, "Thanks, Superdad," and rush up to my room before he has the chance to see the tears threatening to roll down my face. Yet again, I have been reminded how utterly useless I am. I can never do anything right, whether it is keeping a friend or simply trying to stop myself from tripping on my shoelaces. The whole city of Paris is under attack, and it is all my fault. 

My fault. My fault. It is always my fault.

My breath comes in short, shallow bursts as I pace around my room. I have to leave for school in a few minutes, so I cannot be having a breakdown right now. I grab a bottle of water lying on my vanity and take a swig, hoping to undo the knot forming in my throat. 

As I set the bottle back down, my eyes snag on the middle drawer of the vanity. I am all too aware of what is in that drawer: my Miraculous. A reminder of what a complete and utter failure I am. 

My legs aren't able to support me anymore, and I am suddenly on the floor. 

And it's all too much.

I cover my mouth with both of my hands, trying to quiet the sound of my sobbing. My body shakes with each cry, and I'm consumed by the feelings that kept me from getting any sleep last night. 

my fault my fault my fault it is all my fault

My phone buzzes abruptly, and I check it instinctively. When I see that it is another news article, I almost put my phone away, but something catches my attention. My tears fall onto a picture of Chat Noir, mid-battle. He's up in the air, his hand outstretched and hair blown back by the wind. My breath slows a bit as I remember his goofy grin, his breath ghosting my nose as we swayed in the wind while caught in my yo-yo string. 

I take a moment to slow my breathing before I stand up, still a bit shaken, but with a new sense of calm. I walk over to my vanity, open the middle drawer, and place the black jewelry box holding my Ladybug earrings into my crossbody bag before I can convince myself to do otherwise. Paris still needs a Ladybug, even if she isn't me.

At school, Alya shows me her new website as we walk to our first period class. "The Ladyblog: bringing you all the latest news about the coolest superhero, Ladybug. How awesome is that? Check out the number of views since I posted the video!" she boasts.