sometimes i think things aren't so bad.
they came back. it took awhile, but i'm honestly so glad they're in my life again. 8th grade finally ended, and i feel so free. eren jaeger moment. but seriously, jokes aside, i know i'll be forced right back into that hell of a cycle of work and expectations. especially with the high school i'm going to. i'm terrified to death, but i know i'll make it one way or another. i always do.
other than that, i feel like my mental health is still down spiraling. some days i feel like absolute shit, and other days i feel amazing, like i could do almost anything. some days i feel anxious for no reason. anxious as in i'm having a whole ass anxiety attack, sobbing for air, hyperventilating, and clutching onto my blankets as if the world were ending. i wasn't like this before. i feel like i'm such a burden to the point where i despise asking for favors. how ironic. even despite that, i still ask for so many things; i must make quite the actress. along with this, i've been stressing so much about my weight to the point where i skip meals for a few days. i'm not fat at all, but i'm not skinny. not how my parents want me to be. i constantly worry about my weight that it's scary. i even feel guilty about eating, and i get stomach aches if i think i've eaten too much. i despise it.
i hate myself sometimes. i hate how my voice sounds. i hate how my nose. i hate my lips. i hate my body. i hate my hair. i hate how i look with glasses on. i hate my work ethic. i hate my posture. i hate how i walk. i hate my accomplishments. i hate my grades. i hate how i'm perceived. i hate how i'm so sensitive. i hate how i let people walk all over me. i hate how i give in so easily. i hate how i give up so quickly.
but God created us as he envisioned us. i have to be grateful that i even have a functional and healthy body.
but even so, wish i could have done better in 8th grade. if i did, maybe i would have gotten accepted into magnet and made my parents prouder, i would have made them happier. sometimes i wish that i never existed, so that maybe, just maybe, my family would be better off than where they are now. i wish i had someone to rant to comfortably. i always feel like such a bother, sometimes i get tired of it. but i know it's the truth. i have to deal with it. that's what i was taught. it doesn't matter.
depression doesn't exist. it's all in my head. anxiety doesn't exist. it's all in my head.
sometimes i think things aren't so bad. maybe it's just some delusional feeling to distract me from all my negativity. if so, then perhaps it really is a blessing.
