Hate Me

II

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
    An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
    And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
    And will you never try to reach me?
    It is I that wanted space

  

The first weeks after I definitely walked out on you it was hell for me. I spent days looking for a place to hide, to heal. I had made my choice and now I had to keep that. But it was killing me as much as everything else. It was funny, during those days I couldn’t think of anything worse than not being with you. Such a cliché, isn’t it? Do you remember all those times when I told you how I couldn’t understand how characters in films seemed so lost, miserable and well, dead without the other person, as if there wasn’t anything left but love? Well, I really didn’t understand that whilst you were crying. Now I get it. Oh, how I get it. During those days your absence was all I could think and feel. It consumed me and I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat and I could barely breathe. I had to constantly remind myself that I was doing the best for the both of us, even if it was hard in that moment.

I honestly felt like someone had left me open with all my insides exposed.

And you… oh you couldn’t make it easier, could you? No matter what I told you, you had to call. Remember that? I told you clearly that I needed space, I begged you not to call me because it was the best for us if we never saw each other again. You were crying, I was crying, too, but we cried harder many other times, didn’t we? You know we did. The goodbye wasn’t the worst we had faced, even if it felt like that at the moment.

“Babe,” you said when I picked up. Oh you clever girl, you called from a phone booth from another area so I wouldn’t even think it was you. The shock I received when I recognised your voice. “Are you there?”

“Why… why are you calling?” I breathed out and I heard you gasping.

I closed my eyes and I could see you in my mind, covering your mouth to muffle the sobs that were trying to set free and reach me to slap me across the face.

“Babe, please,” you begged and I shook my head.

“I asked you not to call again. I begged you,” I reminded you because I did. On my knees I begged you to let me walk away, to let me be a better man and finally do something good for you.

“I love you, I love you so much. I can’t live without you. Why did you leave me? Please, come back. We can make it through. We’ll figure out a way. I’ll help you. I’ll be stronger this time. Strong for the both of us,” you cried out and it felt like daggers through my heart.

Stronger? That wasn’t possible. You are the strongest person I’ve ever met but not even you could help me or save me. You can’t carry the weight of a relationship on your own. You can’t handle the mess I am. You know that, don’t you? I know you do, even if back then you couldn’t accept it.

“Don’t say that,” I moaned. You were only making things worse for both of us. “You can and you will live without me. You’ll be better off without me. I’ll be better. Don’t you want that? Don’t say that you love me, please.” I could hear you crying and I felt horrible for doing this to you, but it was the sacrifice I had to do if I wanted you to be alive again, to shine like when I met you. You were so bright, so lively. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen but I destroyed you. I killed that light and by the time I left you, you were just a shadow of whom I met. “I need space. I need to be apart. Don’t call me, I beg of you.”

“But I love you!” You cried out and I felt slapped again.

I knew what you were doing, throwing at me those words to make me flag and come back. And you were being cruel, knowing how weak I am. I might be a scumbag, but you’re more important than anything else in my life and for you I’ll be strong. And I’ll be strong enough to stay away. I’m still being strong.

“Don’t… don’t use those words against me. Please, don’t call again.”

You cried out my name but I hung up. I turned off my mobile and bent down, hugging my knees and doing my best to stay in once piece. But I was failing and my determination was wavering.

“I love you,” I whispered. “Because I love you I have to stay away,” I reminded myself and with that I took a deep breath and stood up.

Today I think of that call, of those first days because I saw a couple fighting at the bar I work at. She did the same thing you did, throwing the I-love-you card at him to make him stop and it worked. I’m happy I was strong enough not to give in because you know why they had a fight? Because he cheated on her again and he had told her that maybe it was him, that he was the problem. She couldn’t accept that. She preferred to stay with someone who was hurting her than letting him go. And he couldn’t be strong enough to stay away from her or to change. I’m pretty sure he’ll cheat on her again. You know what I think? Breaking old habits is too hard. Fighting your own nature goes against everything inside you. It goes beyond love, it’s within you.

But I’m stronger, aren’t I? I stayed away and I’m doing better. Are you doing better? I really hope so. You surely are doing great because that’s the life you deserve, that’s the life I want for you. And this is the best I’ve done and I’m actually proud of myself. I’ve never felt like this so no, I don’t regret my choice even if it was killing us back then. It was for the best.

Still… I’m sorry for all the tears and the pain. I’m ever so sorry.