Hate Me

IV

Hate me in ways
     Yeah ways hard to swallow
     Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

     I am aware all human beings are imperfect, we make mistakes and hurt others, whether we do it intentionally or not, we still harm them somehow, sooner or later. I’m also aware I’m not the worst bloke out there. I’m pretty sure there are far worse ones, people who abuse others, belittle them and destroy them… consciously. Some people might even enjoy breaking others down, take pleasure in hurting others. But let me tell you something: I might have not realised what I was doing to you but today I can say I regret ever hurting you. You didn’t deserve it and I was an idiot for not seeing what I was causing you, how I was breaking you down. I didn’t take pleasure in hurting you, it didn’t make me feel better, at least not in the long run. Today I regret every hurtful word I threw at you, all the things I made you do, all the shit I made you go through. I regret so many things, except one: setting you free.

I know it was hard at first. I hope you’re doing fine now, to be honest. That’s all I hope for and always wanted since I opened my eyes and saw the world we were living in. I know you loved me as much as I loved you and you wanted to fight more. Oh, how many times I was about to give in, to go back to you and keep trying but what was the point? Would we carry on until one of us couldn’t stand anymore? Was that the future we were heading to?

I was no good for you.

How many times did I drive you insane with worry? How many times did you have to take me to the hospital because I couldn’t wake up after drinking so much? How many times did I end up in an alcoholic coma? You were always there for me, looking after me even if you always told me I had to stop, that I was going to kill myself one of these days and then what would happen to you. I never listened. I kept drinking myself to unconsciousness, until I could forget who I was.

How could you love me?

Remember what I told you the day you found me?

“Hate me,” I begged you as tears streamed down your face and you grabbed my wrist, trying to stop me from walking out on you again. “Hate me so badly that you can’t even say my name. Hate me for all the things I did to you. Hate me for being the arse that destroyed your life. Hate me for bringing the worst in you because you don’t deserve that. You should be with someone who brings the best in you, so hate me for tearing everything apart.”

“I can’t— I can’t hate you,” you mumbled, your voice strangled with sobs.

“You must,” I insisted. “You must hate me in ways that will leave you with a lump in your throat. Only then you can forget about me. See me for who I really am and you’ll hate me. I want you to hate me, to leave me behind and carry on with your life.” You shook your head, more tears falling and I would be crying too if I wasn’t as sure as I was then, that even if I was hurting you then in the long run I would hurt you less like that. “Hate me!”

“I won’t!” you shouted back.

I shoved you off, putting distance between us.

“Hate me. Forget me. See what’s good for you, which is not me! I’m only destroying you! Hate me, hate me, hate me!”

I pushed you out the door and I could hear you cry, but I didn’t open. You had to hate me so you could move on, you had to hate me so you could open your eyes and see reality: I wasn’t good for you.

“Fine! If that’s what you want, I’ll hate you! I hate you!” you shouted from the other side and walked away.

I haven’t seen you since then. I hope you actually hated me. I don’t want you to hate me now, because living with hatred in your heart is as harmful as being with me. I just wanted you to hate me so you could stop loving me and then forget me. I didn’t want you to hate me forever. I hope you don’t hate me forever.

I remembered this today because I saw some girls at the bar. It was a group of four girls and they were all drinking, cheering up one that had recently broken up with her girlfriend, apparently. One of them told her that it takes three seconds to forget someone. Three shots.

Is it really that easy? A part of me will never forget you, but I am over you. How is for you?

Other girl told her that what she had to do was turn all that love in hate and she would see all the faults in her ex, like that she would realise she was better off alone and could move on. I wanted you to do that.

Love is blind, right? You couldn’t see how wrong I was for you because you loved me.

Love is generous, right? You gave me chance after chance, even if I didn’t deserve them.

Love is patient, right? You waited for me to get better even if it didn’t happen when it had to.

Love is selfless, right? You put me before your own good. 

You loved me better than I loved you. Only once I was selfless enough to do the best thing for you, even if it killed me inside. I left you because you deserved better, because you deserved someone who could love you better than what you could love him. I always put myself first because I couldn’t imagine myself without you, I didn’t want to think how much better you would be without me because I knew you’d be far better. I was selfish and love shouldn’t be like that. So I put you first for once I walked away.

It’s the only thing I’m proud of. The only thing I did right and for that I’m not sorry.