Hate Me

VI

You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate

You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take

So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

When I was on my way to work I saw something that caught my attention. It was a mother and her son. I think he was in a fight because he was badly injured. I don't know how the mother found him, but by the time I walked by I could see how she held him close, checking his injuries and whispering soothing words.

"My baby, everything will be all right, don't you worry, my boy. This will pass. You'll be fine," she repeated over and over again.

I have no context of what actually happened, whether he did something wrong or not, but I just thought it was incredible how she just cared about calming him down. The boy clung on to her, desperate and I think he was sobbing. I didn't stop to check, I just noticed the scene when I was passing by.

That woman reminded me of you and how you always believed in me, no matter what. I don't know if that boy actually got in a fight, if he hurt someone worse or if he was just a victim, but the mother believed in him and held him. You did that so many times, didn't you? You held me, whispered soothing words and promised me that everything would be all right.

Do you remember that particular night in which I got into a fight? I did it on purpose because I had just seen my father and he of course yelled at me, telling me how big of a disappointment and scumbag I was. He made sure to remind me how big of a mistake I was. So I felt miserable, I felt like trash and that pain was eating me alive so what did I do? I went for trouble. I got in a fight just to feel a different kind of pain. I wanted to die, I wanted to stop feeling right there. I wanted everything to stop.

Why is that physical pain is easier to handle than emotional pain?

"Because any kind of wound on your body will eventually heal and stop hurting. The wounds in your soul ache forever," you told me one day.

Amazing you, always right, always so wise.

When they called you to pick me up because I had been beaten to a pulp, you got there running, crying and held me in your arms. You rocked me back and forward, telling me it was all right, you were with me and you were going to help me. I believed you. I held on to you like that boy held on to his mother today.

You took me home and attended all my wounds. And you didn't say anything because I was crying. You let me be. The tears felt silently for I did not make any other sound. I just stared at the ceiling, hating myself so much. Hating my father even more.

"I should just kill myself," I said and you froze. You were cleaning a wound on my temple but drew back when I said that and when my eyes followed you, I could see the worried look in your eyes. So I continued. "I should make everyone a favour and just kill myself. If you hate something so much you have to get rid of it. I hate living so I have to get rid of my life."

You could've yelled at me, scold me for saying such things. Even if I meant every word, you still didn't judge. What did you do instead?

"But the world would lose the good things about you," you said.

I looked away. I still remember that so clearly because in that moment you were the most amazing creature on Earth, capable of making me take the pain and misery in my soul.

"What's good about me?"

"Oh, I dunno. You tell me. Say something good about yourself." I could hear the smile in your voice. "Come on, you can do it," you insisted so I sighed.

"I have you," I said but you shook your head.

"About you. Your personality. Not the people around you," you corrected me.

"I- I am strong. I have survived so far no matter what my parents did." You smiled so brightly and that was the best reward I could've ever received.

You always did that for me. Every time I felt like giving up you made me compliment myself and for that I'll be forever grateful. But I know how scared you were for me. How much it worried you every time you received a call to pick me up or when I woke up in the hospital and you were there with me, eyes bloodshot and dark bags under them. Your hands were always shaking and you started to lose weight.

That's why I had to get away. Because I wasn't just hurting myself, I was hurting you even more. Hurting your soul. So I decided to leave, far and far away, to a place where you could never find me, putting so much distance between us that even your brain couldn't think of me. I left so you could move on and leave me behind because, contrary to me, you do have a future. You are clever, resourceful, humble, resilient, and you'll do amazing things in life. I can't hold you back anymore, and I'll never be at your level. I'll never walk by your side, I can only walk behind you, dragging you with me.

You remember how you never judged me no matter what my opinions were? Well, you even agreed with me when I told you that life is selfish and you have to fight for yourself. If something is holding you back, then you need to leave that behind to move on. Like a hot-air balloon, getting rid of the excessive weight to soar higher.

I was the weight holding you down but you wouldn't throw me off, so I had to jump in order for you to fly. That's how it is supposed to be, that is the best for both of us. I don't have to fight the guilt every day, I don't have to hurt the person I love the most, and you can have the bright future you deserve and can have. You don't need anyone. You're amazing on your own and no one should take the sparkle from your eyes like I did.

Leave me behind, move on. Forget about me. But don't forget what I did to you, remember the pain, the wounds I inflicted on you and learn from that so no one ever again treats you like that.

You said the wounds in our soul never stop hurting. I hope you're wrong about that and the ones I left in your soul actually heal someday. Hopefully soon. You deserve that at least.