Hiraeth

Chapter 7

Audra Farley

I was traumatized for weeks.

My plans for my future had gone down the drain and so was the little money my single mother had. My college savings were used to pay the hospital bills. Each day I spent there getting more treatment was more money we had to pay. We couldn't make enough to take care of both the baby and I so as soon as I could get on my feet, I left the hospital.

That was the worst time of my life. My mother couldn't make enough money to get me drugs for the baby, getting food to eat became difficult and my body didn't adapt well to the new changes. I would throw up at the sight of anything, I got dark circles under my eyes and had problems with sleeping at night. The baby was taking more energy than my body could provide but what more could a sixteen year old do?

I considered visiting an abortion clinic. It was just the first two months and we had no money to sustain ourselves, I couldn't make it to the ninth month with that condition. Either I or the baby would die from starvation sooner or later and to avoid the risk of losing my life, I decided to get rid of the baby. As much as I loved and wished to nurture it, I couldn't deal with the shame. I was a teenager and all my life I dreaded getting pregnant at such a young age.

My mother grew distant from me. It was then we needed each other the most but as days passed with her spending all her time at work, we barely spoke to each other for over a minute. The guilt was more than I could bare. I was the cause of everything. My senior year in high school was cancelled, my college savings were gone and all the money we had with it. Every single day, I imagined what it would be like if I had not left the house like I did that night. I would've gotten over the voices and if I didn't, at least I wouldn't be a teenage mom. The thoughts left me troubled and as each minute passed, I grew more depressed. I would sit close to the window and cry till it felt like I had nothing in me anymore.

It went on for one more month till the day I decided I'd had enough. It was a sunny Wednesday afternoon. I took off my pajamas and wore some of my mom's clothes to cover up the little bump, a scarf over my head to cover my face and sunglasses. The walk to the abortion clinic took long minutes. I met some of the people I knew on the way but none of them recognized me or knew who I was, not when I had my face all covered. I took each step with fear that someone would realize it and call out to me but till I got there, no one did.

I sat patiently at the reception to meet the doctor. Some of the nurses gave me stares to remember and even whispered things to each other but that wasn't enough, some women came in and immediately figured out my figure was too small for a grown mature women. They said a lot of things to me and all advised I go home and keep the baby. After all, it was all my fault.

None of what they said got to me. I bounced on my feet the moment I got called in and met with the doctor but that day I thought I would choose to get rid of the baby was the day I chose to keep it.

The doctor gave me an offer that changed my life. 

Samara Shaw.

It seemed to me that every single thing in the school was either prohibited or would put me in trouble.

All I had done to adapt in this new environment, spending fifteen minutes in the bathroom, washing my hair with the same bar of soap I used for my skin, using tough sponge on my tender skin and a skirt that revealed my thighs were all useless cause at the end, I still got in trouble for a cheap soap and sponge. The real trouble was meant to be picking them up from the dirty tiles but with the way Ceris stared at me in terror and Lucy laughed at me, it looked like it was more than I imagined. Fear dawned on me, I was frightened of what consequence I would face.