Holding On

Chapter 1

I'm holding on. Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on to so much more than I can carry.
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down.
If I just let go, I'd be set free...
Heavy, Linkin Park

***

Marinette couldn't remember ever being so exhausted. She was, of course, used to being physically tired. Used to sleepless nights and to the fatigue that made her every move slow. It was one of the downsides of being Paris' superhero. Truth be told, being Ladybug wasn't easy every day. Far from it. Short nights, lying to everyone all the time, responsibilities that she knew were dragging her down, bit by bit...

Yeah, she was used to it.

Technically.

What Marinette wasn't used to was being so mentally and emotionally drained, all the time. The world, which she used to see with pink coloured glasses, had lost its beauty. Everything seemed somehow grayer, duller. Every morning, the sun seemed less brilliant and it was harder to get out of bed with every passing day.

She had never felt more alone and miserable.

She knew that, somewhere in Paris, a young man shared the same problems, the same secrets. He also was getting little to no sleep and was - well, probably, he should be - lying to his friends and his family.

But who knew where Chat Noir was. Maybe he currently was laughing with his friends, unaffected by the burden that was slowly but surely weighing Marinette down. Or maybe he was all alone, silently praying for an akuma attack to escape the loneliness. Somehow, not knowing where he was, who he was, and how he was was the worst of it all. Because Chat was Marinette's person right now. The one and only. She wanted him to be happy. She really hoped he was alright. Hoped he wasn't alone. Hoped he had tons of friends - she expected him to, funny and confident as he was -, and never felt like her. Alone in the world.

Only a few days prior, Luka had broken up with her. There wasn't any bad blood between them, but all the lies and the secrets had finally taken their toll on their relationship. And Marinette's friends were more and more distant with each passing day, for the same reasons. Even her parents were giving her space, thinking that it was perfectly normal behaviour from a teenager.

Tikki and Chat were the only ones she could still rely on but... Well, the first one was trying her best, of course, but it just wasn't enough anymore. And Chat, they had like, what, ten seconds together to talk after an akuma attack? And on patrol, all she wanted was to spend time with him. She wanted to be distracted, to laugh. And besides, she couldn't reveal too much about herself, just in case he figured out who she was.

She was drowning. Painfully and slowly. She had so, so little air left in her lungs and no one, no one, saw anything.

Or that's what she thought.

"I don't know what to do anymore," Alya complained to Adrien and Nino during lunchtime. "She basically ran off the class before I even had the chance to ask her to come and eat with us at the park."

"Let her breath," Nino said with a shrug. "She just needs time."

"Time? She doesn't need more time! I gave her plenty of time! Do you even see how she looks? Like hell, that's how. I mean, she has always been, well, Marinette, but... I mean, she's always tired, yes, but it's worse now. She looks like she's this close," she practically shoved her fingers in Nino and Adrien's faces, showing the minimal space between them, "to collapse on the ground and never get back up."

"Alya's right," Adrien agreed, brows furrowed, as Nino pushed his girlfriend's fingers away from his friend's face. "But what can we do?"

"I don't know!"