So Long, and Goodnight

7. Dreamless

Chapter 7
Dreamless

POV - John

It was peaceful here. I wasn't in any pain. There was no hurt, no guilt and there seemed to be no time. I couldn't even be sure how long I'd been here. It could've been seconds, minutes, hours, days, months... Years, even.

But it wasn't how I was expecting it to be.

Not that I was expecting it to be the pearly white gates, with somebody waiting for me with a list of who they were allowed to let in, but I was expecting it to be different from the complete darkness that seemed to surround me.

Is this what I was condemned to? To spend eternity trapped in this place, and alone with my thoughts.

I didn't want that. I didn't want to spend the rest of time by myself. I wanted to see my mom and Grandpa Grant again.

Then a thought struck me.

Was this punishment? For what happened at the beginning of the year, is this what I get for it?

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO!" I tried to yell, but no sound came out, "I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET THEM KILLED! I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO DIE!"

And it was only when I tried to speak, I noticed the complete and utter silence that seemed to fill every crevice of this place.

And the silence would probably drive me crazy after a while. At home, there is always some kind of noise; whether it be play fighting, board game fights or the fighting sounds of whatever console game they were playing.

But this isn't where I wanted to be.

If I couldn't be with my family in death, then I didn't want to know what was going on. That, in itself, is more painful, even if I couldn't feel it. Knowing what is going on, yet not being able to do anything.

"I don't want to be here." I whispered, knowing that nobody would here me, "This isn't what I wanted."

What did you want then? To see your mom? To see your Grandpa? To escape your pain? All of the above?

I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't think things through.

My analytical brain hadn't thought about what would happen. What my actions would do to the rest of my family.

What did you do? I did what I thought was right.

Why did you do it? Because I didn't want to see my family in pain... Blaming me for what happened. I could see it in their eyes that they did.

But what if they didn't blame you? You've just put them into the grieving process again.

So, how are you going to fix it? I don't know.

If screaming would've helped, I would've done it. Screamed until my lungs hurt and my head pounded, but I knew it wouldn't help. It would just send me bonkers even faster then doing nothing at all.

There was a numbness that I'd been ignoring for a while, and it had nothing to do with how I was feeling inside. It seemed to be in my hand, my wrists, my elbow... My chest.

It didn't hurt, it was just very uncomfortable. And it seemed to be steadily getting worse the longer it went on.

How do you fix this? No idea

How do you make this right? Haven't the foggiest.

Do you want to fix this? I... I don't know.

The pain was becoming unbearable. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted everything to stop and go back to the way it was.

For mom to be home with us, Grandpa and Grandma to be sitting on the porch watching the sunset. For dad to be home happy and smiling, not away all the time. For my family to get back to how it was.

I wanted to be happy again. That's all I wanted.

And as the pain became to much to handle, I let myself slip into whatever unconsciousness my mind could conjure up; knowing that whatever this was, it was probably just an illusion or more punishment.